Pocho Ocho Top Reasons That X is Y, or something
The covert cash in their PayPal account they hid from the judge wasn’t the only George and Shellie Zimmerman Family Secret. POCHO espills the beans:
8. George and Shellie were married at a Ku Klux Klan Rally
7. George roomed with Mitt Romney at False Police Academy
6. The couple was once kicked out of Disneyworld for following seven hoodie-wearing dwarfs
Mas…Pocho Ocho other George and Shellie Zimmerman family secrets
According to a recent study, only six percent of Latino kids regularly play outdoors. So, if they’re not outside “enjoying” nature, what are those darn kids doing now?
8. Usando el Fiesbook.
7. Reading Erí Potter books.
6. Creating top-secret taco recipes they will never share with gringos.
Mas…Pocho Ocho things those darn kids are doing instead of playing outside
Abuela knows best, amirite?
She recommends these old-fashioned remedios for whatever ails you:
8. Chile
Does it matter that you don’t eat chile? Or that this special hot sauce will burn a hole in your ulcer? No, eat it, you’ll see how much better you feel.
7. Nopal or linaza (cactus or flax seed)
If there’s something wrong with you, let’s flush it out. Sure, you will be spending the next week in the bathroom, but by the time you come out, whatever was ailing you will be long gone.
6. Rubbing an egg all over you while saying a prayer. (Una limpia con huevo)
Did your abuelita learn this ritual in church? Hell no, but for whatever reason, when she’s rubbing a cold egg all over you saying a Catholic prayer, it somehow makes you feel better. By the time that egg sucks up whatever evil eye someone gave you, the idea that this ritual is strange and old world will have slipped your mind.
Mas…Pocho Ocho Top Old-School Abuelita-Style Remedios (cures)
8. Cuban Manwich
7. Tacos de Lengua
6. Arroz con Hobo
Mas…Pocho Ocho other things to eat in Miami other than a man’s face
The Pizza Patron chain has ignited a nationwide controversy with its offer of free pepperoni pies on June 5 if you order en Español.
What else you can get for speaking Spanish?
8. In Arizona, you get pulled over, disrespected and hassled.
7. In Miami, you get nothing, stupid. That’s how you’re supposed to talk.
6. In New York, you get to speak a secret language that everyone else understands.
Mas…Speaking Spanish gets you a free pizza – and Pocho Ocho other things
Are you a newly-graduated pocho preparing to take your first baby steps out into the so-called “real world?” We’ve got tips for you!
8. Unsure about your next move? Do you need a movement or idea to get behind? Start an Occupy College movement on your campus! You may have graduated, but this will ensure you never have to leave (or shower.)
7. Remember how much you drank your first week of school? Drink twice that amount! As silly as sobriety may seem at the moment, it has absolutely no purpose in the real world, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Note that outside of college this is generally referred to as “alcoholism.”
6. To save money, move in with some people who actually had a chance at the American Dream — your parents. You’ll be so busy driving your abuelita around town, you won’t notice the economy sucks.
Mas…Pocho Ocho tips for grads: How to make it in the ‘real world’
8. Gordo/a – This word (it means “overweight”) seems like an insult, but it’s just another way to say, “Hey you!” You don’t have to be fat to get this nickname.
7. Flaco/a – And you don’t actually have to be skinny to get this nickname. Of course, you could be relatively skinny compared to everyone else in the room, but it’s just a way to speed things along.
6. Viejo/a – This word (“old”) could be used to refer to one’s significant other, parent, or friend. Whether or not one is actually old depends on those involved in the conversation.
Mas…Pocho Ocho ironic nicknames that aren’t as insulting as they seem
As reported by the Miami Herald, there are about 8,000 reasons why Mitt Romney might not pick Florida’s Teabbagged Sen. Marco Rubio for as his running mate. Here are the top eight:
8. Sin Papeles. He’s illegal! It’s debatable who has the wetter back since Romney is from Mexico but Rubio is just as undocumented and some would argue more “deportable.” Rubio fled Cuba not because of the Revolución but because no one there could stand him. The guy’s an asshole.
More reasons and startling photographic evidence below.
Mas…Pocho Ocho reasons Romney won’t choose Marco Rubio for VP
8. Gastronamía
Going after the gastronomic vote, Dems and Repubs plan to offer Latino voters free tacos and salsa at the polls (all tacos made by immigrant labor.) Mitt Romney has even changed his tune about cheesy grits, now heralding cold maduros as his favorite breakfast.
7. Stereotypical Shows
Both parties are promising to fund and sponsor television programs about Latinos including shows about sexy maids, deep-thinking gardeners and homesick homeboys. Obama made his weekly address with the addition of two scantly clad Latina hotties by his side and a little person dressed as a sunflower. Romney is more timid in matters of sexuality but did allow a three-second shot of his butt to air in one of his campaign ads (for las viejitas.)
Mas…Pocho Ocho ways the candidates are scheming to get the Latino vote
Easter got us thinking about The End. Will we make it past those pearly gates into heaven?
You could try to live your life by your religion’s standards, sure, but where’s the fun in that? Here are pocho ocho ways for a sinner like you to get past St. Peter:
8. Invest in a timeshare now
Hey, it works when you want to go to Palm Springs or Miami — why not heaven?
7. Make a shrine in your home burning 72 veladoras at any given time
It’s common knowledge that every candle you light is like another spiritual brownie point. So, logically, the more candles, the more likely you can get into heaven.
6. Name your son Jesús or your daughter Guadalupe
It has to be true — otherwise we wouldn’t all have uncles named Chuy or cousins named Lupe.
Mas…Pocho Ocho ways for a sinner like you to get into heaven
The minute we heard the United States Air Force had planned and carried out Operation Chimichanga, we knew there had to be more to the story. Our Pentagon sources confirmed the hunch: The inspiration for the “chimichanga” code name was the way the Tex-Mex fried-burrito-belly-busters incapacitated unwary diners every time. The brass hats’ hope was that secret teams in state-of-the-art aircraft could make the enemy moan just like fajita-fed TGIFridays customers on Cinco de Mayo.
There is more to the story — the pocho ocho secret Pentagon operations still in the planning stages:
8. Operation Don’t Drink the Water: Secret “wetback” forces from the Navy SEALS sneak into enemy territory and dose the water with “pedo-biotic” agents bioengineered to cause widespread “Montezuma’s Revenge.” This is expected to cause pandemic personal distress, lessen the enemy’s fighting capability and reduce water pressure.
7. Operation Hot Tamale: Inspired by the guetherman’s motto of “cool today, hot tamale,” stealthy airborne drones seed enemy skies with specially-formulated lard and masa pellets that trap your fat, screw your cholesterol and clot your veins.
If you’re a Latina, then you know the dirty little secret: body hair everywhere. Maybe you didn’t grow up with hairy arms or legs, but once you approached 30 or had children, the secret caught up with you.
Hair on your arms, hair on your legs, hairy eyebrows, chin hair, toe and foot hair, moustaches, sideburns, hair on your breasts, even a female version of the treasure trail! Aye!
I’ve seen the culture around Latina body hair traverse everything from shame to denial to indifference to pride (I’m looking at you Frida Kahlo.)
But for the rest of us not so lucky to look good in a moustache, this hair must be dealt with. Here are the top eight ways this can go down:
Latina girls are the key to growth for the Girl Scouts, and the organization needs to shift culturally to accommodate these new scouts.
How do you bring in a new crop of Latina scouts? How about some new Merit Badges?
8. Touting Trenzas.
It may be India María style or Frida Kahlo style, but any good Latina needs to know how to work the hair art. Whether it be one braid or two, a French braid or any other variety.
7. Masa Mashing.
Scouts need to know how to mash masa around between their hands in a variety of ways. Masa mashing can be the cultural equivalent of chopping, the manner in which masa is mashed alluding to unspoken or subtle feelings, including: anger, happiness, interest, nervousness, etc.
POCHO amigo Gustavo Arellano, the ¡Ask A Mexican! guy who writes columns and books and edits OCWeekly.com, has a new book coming out soon: Taco USA — How Mexican Food Conquered America.
Despite his adamant refusal to bribe us for coverage, we still want to present Pocho Ocho reasons he should win a pinche Pulitzer:
8. The use of the inverted exclamation point in ¡Ask A Mexican! has forced gabachos across America to learn special key combinations to send him hateful email.
7. Consistently employing “SantAna” when referring to the Orange County City of Santa Ana has moved Carlos Santana out of the old-age home and into a long-term gig at the House of Blues on Hollywood’s Sunset Strip.
Mas…Pocho Ocho reasons Gustavo Arellano should win a Pulitzer Prize
It can be hard to be a Latina, but it can be even harder to be in love with one. I will admit that I occasionally emasculate my Latino friends, love interests and acquaintances.
Given that Latinos and Latinas alike often contend with issues of machismo, emasculation can sometimes happen by accident. Then again, for the same reasons, it can also happen on purpose. Whatever the case, here’s a list of eight occasions to watch out for:
8. Talking to his mother or female relatives about him.
Although this is a female ritual, it never ceases to cause discomfort.
7. Calling him by Spanish pet names in front of his friends.
He may be your “pedacito de bon bon” when you two are alone, but when you call him these things in front of his friends, somehow it makes him less of a man.
8. Beans, beans the magical fruit
7. The tortilla is the perfect shape and size for religious apparitions and spiritual experiences
6. Manteca — it’s the new kombucha
5. Pronouncing “chipotle” deemed World’s Best Tongue Exercise by Women’s Love Commission
Although many are shocked by presidential pretender Rick Santorum’s proposal to consider statehood for Puerto Rico if it drops Spanish and espeaks English, it turns out this idea is only the newest of his Brainfarts Brainstorms for America.
Here are the Pocho Ocho:
8. Mexico’s Los Tigres del Norte will be offered citizenship if they lose their stripes
7. Jews get to go to Catholic Heaven if they stop being, you know, Jews
6. African-Americans get access to high-paying Wall Street jobs when they straighten out that hair thing
While some gas-hungry Americans — gasbacks — are sneaking South of the Border to take advantage of lower fuel prices, others aren’t so sure. Here are the Pocho Ocho reasons gabachos don’t wanna go there:
8. They don’t want to get tucked and rolled.
7. Last time down there, a lengua burrito licked them back.
6. Mexican gas is stronger (Insert your own joke here.)
Mas…Pocho Ocho reasons gringos are scared to go to Mexico for gas
8. Can outrun a G 55 AMG Mercedes with his church shoes on.
7. Takes the freeway to work with three dudes riding on the top of push cart.
6. Works downtown but has lunch in Mexico.
8. If you spend your time looking up, someone will steal your wallet.
7. The only real flying object threat is a chancla.
6. We find the word “alien” pejorative and didactic. (Don’t hate on PhDs)
Mas…Pocho Ocho reasons Latinos don’t usually encounter UFOs (videos)
Conan O’Brien’s show is more popular with Hispanic viewers than any other late-night program, the vaguely-talented host announced Monday night. Here are the Pocho Ocho reasons why:
8. He has hair like everyone’s tio.
7. Hispanics think he is funny; Latinos don’t.
6. He has more Latino comedy writers than George Lopez did — one.
Bloated talk show host and leader of the Republican party Rush Limbaugh has been abusing his broadcast microphone by viciously attacking, well, everyone, but most recently 30-year-old law student Sandra Fluke, calling her a “slut” and a “prostitute.”
He has since issued a weak apology, but his show continues to bleed sponsors and radio stations.
Here are his Pocho Ocho excuses for being a douchebag:
8. Skanks don’t get satire
7. Dennis Miller is my new staff writer
6. I jumped the whale
Mas…Rush Limbaugh’s Pocho Ocho excuses for being a douchebag
Now that Sheriff Joe Arpaio has evidence there’s something uppity with Pres. Barack Obama’s birth certificate, what’s next on his unsolved mysteries list?
8. Star Trek crewmen in red shirts who die early in the episode are also wearing pink chonies, but the Liberal Hollywood Establishment covers this up.
7. Every time you install a solar energy panel, a Texas oilman dies.
6. Wonder Bread actually builds bodies in 11 different ways but they won’t tell you that because those people want you to eat bread with stuff in it, like grains.
Mas…Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s Pocho Ocho unsolved mysteries
8. He only does a Rio Grande River Dance in wing tips.
7. He is not unfamous enough yet.
6. Body image issues, anticipating the Gaykeeper Sheriff Babeu will ogle him.
Mas…Pocho Ocho reasons Daniel D. Portado isn’t ‘Dancing with the Stars’
We all know it’s coming. It’s only Thursday, but THE WEEKEND is right ahead of us — a sign post up ahead that spells PARTY. And somebody is gonna get her drink on.
If that means you, perhaps we can help with the Pocho Ocho cures for your hangover (la cruda.)
8. Menudo. In my social circles, menudo is the go–to method for scaring away that nasty cruda. The power of the Aztec gods? Meat? Corn? Who knows why, but word has it that it works.
7. More alcohol! Hair of the dog, as it were. This method is perhaps one of the oldest cures for cruda. Does it work?
You know, sometimes it’s hard being Latino. You wake up, go about your day, do your business, and then people ask you where your donkey is, or whether your family is from Mexico.
And, you know, it may be that your family has been in the U.S. longer than theirs, or that no one in your family has a moustache, but why burst peoples’ bubbles with inconvenient truths like that?
So here’s a list of the Pocho Ocho indispensable Latino props — for those days that you forget you’re supposed to be a stereotype!
8. Sombrero — Don’t forget your hat, amigo!
7. Moustache — You know it does go with the sombrero, as does the poncho and/or donkey. Wouldn’t want you to leave home without it!
We already know mummy-like AZ Gov. Jan Brewer gets absolutely unraveled whenever she’s near Pres. Barack Obama. But why exactly did she decline to attend tomorrow’s Governor’s Dinner at the White House?
Here are the Pocho Ocho reasons Brewer did not accept the President’s invitation:
8– They could not guarantee her a seat next to the open bar
7– She’s going to be busy looking for heads in the desert
6– Sunday night is when she soaks her skin in formaldehyde
Mas…Pocho Ocho reasons Jan Brewer declined dinner at the White House
In Hollywood, they say, Oscar is king. So why didn’t POCHO get invited to the king’s Big Night Out?
8. All the valet gigs are sewn up by Telemundo producers.
7. They only invite Hispanics with the right attitude, with good credit and who play well with others.
6. There is an industry ban on pastel Quinceañera Tuxedos.
5. They think Mexican Mitt is a Cuban baseball catcher.
8. You’re always late.
7. You laugh or talk too loudly.
6. You have a short temper.
5. You’re spicy/overly sexual.
8. They are published by carpetbaggers, coconuts, and Tio Tacos.
7. They pander to corporate interests, while pimping community issues.
6. They are written for the sole reason of selling institutional ads.
5. Print is dead. The only people who don’t know that are the people who fund magazines.
Sometimes finding the right word can be tricky, so you need to look them up. That’s why these eight pocho words need to go into the English dictionary:
8. Irregardless – That this word does not officially exist has never stopped anyone (including me) from using it. Why use regardless or irrespective when this one sounds so much better? If Sarah Palin can do it…
7. Expecially – Used to emphasize things that don’t really need emphasizing, such as “I love chocolate, expecially when it’s sweet.”
6. Libary – Often confused with library. No one really needs the second R and people will think you’re conceited if you use it. It’s still the same definition, just different a word.
It looks like the 1990s are back now that former Gov. Pete Wilson (R-CA) is in the political spotlight as the new chairman of Mitt Romney’s presidential campaign.
I liked the 90s, but why doesn’t good stuff come back? You know, stuff like crushed velvet and bell sleeves, Beverly Hills 90210 fashion and NAFTA. Here are the top eight things they should bring back!
8. The promise of flying cars, where are the flying cars?!
7. TV shows filled with healthy white kids with nice teeth, a la, 90210 and Saved by the Bell.
6. Headbands, butterfly patterns, crushed velvet and choker (necklaces) — fashion!
Mas…Pocho Ocho 90s things I wish were back that aren’t Pete Wilson