Pocho Ocho Top Reasons That X is Y, or something
8. It’s half-time and your friends are still trying to decode the Roman numerals.
7. Everyone’s trying to explain to Tio Frank why only the runty guys get to kick the ball.
6. Your morbidly obese pal keeps shoving nachos in his mouth and shouting instructions to the athletes on TV, oblivious to the irony.
8. Anchor baby (noun) – Wait- this is an anti-Latino slur? FAIL. Seriously, this just makes us picture an infant so cute and fat we could use it for a boat anchor. Just chuck it in – kerPLOP! – you can drift and chug Coronas all afternoon. Do better, wingnuts.
7. Arpaio (proper noun) – Actually, we’d just like to banish this one from the government payroll, strip it down to its pink underwear and let it play where’s-the-soap for 99 to life.
8. Pants, as in sweatpants, and it’s pronounced in Spanish, otherwise it wouldn’t count as Spanglish. Say “pontz.” These are what Richard Simmons should wear.
7. Chores, the seasonal opposite of pants, chores (pronounced: CHor-Essss), are even good to wear during the winters in most of the Southwest. Richard Simmons wears these.
6. Cornfleis, you know, like America’s favorite good-for-you-finish-it-up cereal. Remember breakfast is the most importante meal of the day. And sometimes you get toys.
8. Aqua Net: Yeah, for hair, stupid. But I also use this for multiple things like bug spray, deodorant, and even as a substitute for glue.
7. Mazapan: Marzipan is a yummy almond-flavored treat and mazapan is a similar treat made with peanuts. Instead of eating like a horse on your date, pop one of these in your mouth to hold you, you don’t want to look like my homegirl La Piggy.
6. Morning After Pill: I know you have probably taken this within the last two months but it’s quite all right, I am a ho, too. Always be prepared, Junior does not need a little brother.
Happy Three Kings Day, Dia de Los Reyes Magos, AKA Epiphany, the day when Los Tres Reyes dropped by the manger to gift up the original Anchor Baby, El Baby Jesus.
In Mexico and now all across Pocholandia, some celebrate with the Rosca de Reyes, a tasty and yeasty treat topped with butter and sugar.
Sometimes it is soaked in rum, like Tio Frankie. Baked inside is a plastic Baby Jesus figurine, which, if you get it in your slice of pan, symbolizes great fortune. And it also means you are stuck with the bill for yet another Catholic drinkfest one month later.
Below are the top eight things we have found in the Rosca de Reyes here at the POCHO world headquarters! Enjoy!
8. Plastic Baby Jesus
7. One long black hair
6. Homies Doll, “Cholo Priest”
8. Remove Christmas lights from my Occupy L.A. tent a little earlier this year
7. Scare white folks with the 2012 Doomsday predictions
6. Get Cheech to collect one of my Chicano paintings
5. Train my revolutionary pets Karl Barx and Chairman Meow to attack all Republicanos in mi barrio
8. Wear more slimming clothes
7. Get a new job to supplement income from five other jobs
6. Take a vacation at one of those nice FEMA camps
5. Quit drinking alcohol that doesn’t get me fucked up really fast
4. Reduce financial stress by picking up a hobby, like bank robbing, or writing a hit song
3. Start eating my 10-year supply of freeze-dried survival food
2. “Party Like It’s 2012”
And my top New Year’s Resolution for 2012:
72 dpi
—–
What are your New Year’s resolutions? Post them here!