(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) The Centers for Disease Control is warning of an emerging epidemic hitting middle-aged men who have just begun to go bald and gain weight.
Medical experts are terming the new outbreak “small pipi syndrome” and the list of symptoms is alarming:
- The sudden urge to buy a Corvette, or for poorer men, a Mazda Miata.
- The need for attention from younger women.
- A sad use of youngish slang and lingo.
- A sudden curiosity about why the world does not revolve around them.
- Futile attempts to force underlings or strangers to respect them.
- Furrowed brows while looking at technology.
- Questions to significant others such as: Do I look fat in this? Didn’t I used to have more hair? Does the hair on my back bother you? Do you still find me attractive?
- Increased redness at not knowing the latest music.
- Rage outbursts at hipsters, feminists, or Lakers fans.
- The need to correct people on their left-leaning political views.
- Sudden use of “mija” to his female colleagues and underlings.
Experts say there is no sure-fire treatment. In 85% of cases the disease must simply run its course. In the remaining 15%, however, there may be significant damage to a man’s home, family, work, relationship or worse.
Some of the most extreme documented cases have included a stud earring or a barbed wire tattoo, or an irreversible case of “bro-tox.”