Dear Abuelita,
I’m a 43-year old married woman, but I think I fell in love with a 20-year old guy. I know he thinks of me as his mother and I have hinted my feelings for him but was rejected flat. Am I going through menopause? Midlife crisis? I can’t stop thinking about him and it’s been almost a year since I last saw him. How do I get over this?
Pendeja enamorada
Dear Pendeja enamorada,
Being obsessed with a firm 20-year-old muchacho is not love but it is a sure bet that you are a healthy 43-year old woman. You’re married, you’re bored, you’re feeling like a vieja way before your years and you’re horny. It’s natural.
BTW – I’m curious as to why he thought of you as his mother when you are only 23 years older than he is.
Did you try getting him to suck your tetas when riding the bus by tossing a rebozo over his head and popping them out? Maybe he was just the wrong guy to try that on. There are a lot of sick puppies out there into that sort of thing. So, I’ve heard.
Adoringly, Tu Abuelita
Dear Abuelita,
Cuando me da comezon en la cola que hago? Should i scratch the itch with my dedos or use my office chair and move side to side. Gracias Abuelita…….
Signed, Su itchy nieto
Dear Itchy nalgas,
Comprar un loofah, one with a long wooden handle, and stick it deep between your cachetes while showering. Make sure you use plenty of jabon and scrub up and down with a vigorous motion. That should get rid of whatever funkiness you have going on down there.
If you still have comezon while at work pump some disco on the computer and shake your itchy booty like it’s a Friday night at Baby Doe’s. If that still doesn’t work and you have to use your dedo at least use one of those rubber thumb covers they keep in the office supply cabinet.
I think what you’ve got is contagious…Now I have to put on the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack and do the back catch, cabron.
In itchy solidarity, Tu Abuelita
Dear Abuelita,
I have a very part-time job where I have no senority but I have to keep because of the pinche economy, you know. Anyway my problem, besides having no money, is that those pinches fatties I work with keep the air conditioning just below freezing! I hate wearing cashmere in the summer! What should I do?
Signed, Freezing in the desert
Dear Sub zero subordinate,
Would you rather they turn up the heat? If they ever thaw out you’ll be swimming in the pinche office fatties sweat pool. Is that what you’d rather have?
You sound like a real treat to have around the office. I bet they blast the A/C just to watch your nipples harden underneath your cashmere sweaters. They probably even have photos and laugh at you behind your back. At least that’s what I would do to anyone who called me a pinche office fatty. In this economy, be thankful you have a job – you flaca ingrate.
Laughing at a photo of your hardened cock-eyed nipples now, Tu Abuelita
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