Dear Abuelita,
I wear a 34C bra. My boyfriend is always scoping out girls with bigger boobs. Should I get implants?
Titi Caca
Dear Titi Caca,
Here’s what you need to do: Tell your boyfriend to look in the mirror the next time he wants to see a big boob then dump the pendejo. As for you, make yourself an appointment for a self-esteem implant ASAP. That’s all I have to say. I don’t have time to figure out the root of your insecurities. There are more important things to focus on than your pea-sized mosquito bites.
Do you have any idea how much trouble big chi-chis are? Let me tell you, they can be a real pain in the ass! I mean it, I once flung mine over my shoulders so hard the damned things left bruises on my nalgas.
Love, Your Abuelita
Dear Abuelita,
Long ago, well 10 years ago, I was in college and “experimented” with sex with another girl. Now I’m engaged to a wonderful guy and getting married in June. I’m terribly conflicted — I want to be honest with my honey but I think if I tell him about my lesbian escapade he might call the whole deal off. Advice?
Gay for One Semester
Dear Gay for One Semester,
Experiment schexperiment. Call it what you want, it all comes down to this, you’re a closet lesbian. Say it after me, I AM A CLOSET LESBIAN. The sooner you get it off your chest the sooner you can get that ring on your finger.
It would help if your fiancee was Dutch that way you can ease the news on him by telling him to stick his finger in the dyke. Who knows, your future hubby may be into the idea of having a lesbian for a wife.
You two sound perfect for each other, you kinky freaks. Just think, you can have your wedding cake shaped like a vagina and eat it too. Don’t forget to shove it in his face for the camera.
Always, Tu Abuelita
Dear Abuelita,
I’m 25 and I have been modeling since I was 15, mostly catalogues, local newspapers, etc. At what point should I give up my dreams of being the first Latina supermodel? And, what else can I do with my life?
Fading Looks
Dear Fading Looks,
You leave me no choice other than to hit you with an Abuelita Reality Chancla℗. You’re a has-beaner in the eyes of the modeling industry. No respectable designer wants a 25-year-old Latina with nalgas de hule strutting their fashions down the catwalk. Stop dreaming. Wake up and rub the mascara lagañas out of your crows’ feet.
I’d tell you to get a real job but you have no marketable skills seeing how you wasted the last ten years of your life vomiting up comida. You have a better chance at becoming the first Latina greeter at your local super marketa than being the first Latina supermodel.
Now go eat something.
With love, Abuelita
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