Dear Straight Dudes:
Why, hello there, I’m a Latina vagina and I have a message for heterosexual guys. Now I know what you’re going to ask me: “How well-groomed am I?”
No seas cochino! That’s none of your business, that’s personal. But I am here to, uh, talk business because I’m tired of all of these assumptions people make about me!
Now you might have seen all those barely-clothed women on Sábado Gigante or on the news or any telenovela or advertisement for something sensual like toilet paper, but the truth is, their vaginas are miserable — trust me! They are constantly having their hair ripped off and don’t even wear chonies most of the time, so they are exposed to the elements.
They could get hypothermia! Is that how you really want to treat your vagina? I think not.
Now there’s this rumor that we all get around — that Latina vagina is “hot” or “spicy.”
Let me set you straight right there: If we are hot it’s because we’re come from pinche sub-tropical climates, dude. If we’re spicy it’s probably because our owners didn’t wash their hands after eating tacos and going to the bathroom. That shit stings, let me tell you! Oops!
Other than that, though, you’re just making this shit up as you go along, or at least that’s what it seems like. Wait, are you a dorky white guy who loves Internet porn? Do you also have an Asian fetish? What is wrong with you bro, seriously? Get out there and meet some real women, their vaginas will be much friendlier to you than this idealized version of some sexy chick that’s out of your league anyway. Trust me.
Ok, let’s talk about this whole “size” issue. Honestly, it seems really homoerotic of you guys to always be talking about other peoples’ penises, doesn’t that strike you as kind of . . . . obsessive? I’ve seen everything: Huge penises that just kind of pop in and out and expect everyone to throw a party, small penises that put in work to make things happen, normal ones that pack an unexpected punch.
It really just depends, so you guys don’t have to keep talking about penises . . . . no really, you can’t stop . . . . I mean . . . . OK, well, if you really enjoy it, go right ahead, just don’t ask me for my opinion!
Sincerely,
Latina Vagina