AJUA! You didn’t think I could do it. You doubted me. You said, “Oh no, Mexican Mitt, you cannot be the Republican nominee! They hate you so! They would never EVER let such a VIRILE, MACHO HOMBRE become the REPUBLICAN NOMINEE!” By virile and macho hombre, you must mean that a Mormon could never win the GOP nomination.
But you were WRONG. Last night, I finally got the required 1,144 delegates for the Republican nomination by winning Texas, the lone state to vote this week. Like I always said, “ALL MY VIEJAS LIVE IN TEJAS!” And I received a full 90% of my viejas’ votes. (I’ll have a word with you later, Margarita.)
BUT NOW, I AM THE LAST JUAN STANDING. I beat all of my challengers back, and now they are running like an army of French pansy boys, fighting the mighty drunken Indio army of Puebla!
I fought them all back, JUAN BY JUAN! I beat them all despite of their strengths, like the HORRENDOUS SIZE of NIUT GRINGORICH, the FIERCE STUPIDITY of RICK PERRY, the MENTAL INSANITY of RON PAUL, the EVEN FIERCER STUPIDITY OF MICHELE BACHMANN, the CONSTANT GROPING of HERMAN CAIN and the FLAMING GAYNESS of RICK SANTORUM
I KNEW THAT DONALD TRUMP WOULD HELP ME GET THE CRAZY TEXAN VOTE, because they like furry critters over there. People like that super nerd George Will insult my good friend DONALD TRUMP, because he doesn’t believe that Hawaii isn’t part of Indonesia. MEESTER TRUMP is a very effective spokesman for his condition, SCD, or SHITTY COMBOVER DISORDER.
Leave him alone, you’re lucky he even performs for you bastards!
By the way, be sure to get my new misspelling campaign app for the I-CHIHUAHUA PHONE and for the MEXICANDROID. Innovation by the Juan Percent is what has made Amercia so great!
So, now you have FEWER CHOICES than a poor woman stuck in a state where I’ve slashed Planned Parenthood: You must support ME!
I am the only candidate who can not only capture the Latino vote, but I will also fire them immediately after the election and Self-Deport the profits to the Cayman Islands.
I alone can take on Obama, with his good economic news, and killing of terrorists. What a SNOB!
I AM THE ONLY JUAN WHO CAN GO ALL THE GUEY!