Ñewsweek: AZ gay sheriff, ‘Sh¡t Latinos Don’t Say,’ Satan speaks

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GAYDAR Border Sign

The Hate State of Arizona was the scene of three big stories this week:

GOP wannabe Mitt Rammane’s campaign pulled another boner as the campaign co-chair, immigrant-hating sheriff Paul Babeu, tried to explain his way out of allegations he threatened his Mexican immigrant boyfriend with deportation.

Babeu resigned from the campaign but not before Pocho Ñews Service scored a copy of his cancelled TV commercial endorsing Romney. Babeu’s endorsement noted Romney’s support for installing GAYDAR to protect the Arizona border from straight migrants, letting only attractive Gayliens cross over.

Babeu later announced he was ready for any probe of his actions, the deeper the better.

Mas…Ñewsweek: AZ gay sheriff, ‘Sh¡t Latinos Don’t Say,’ Satan speaks

Pocho Ocho reasons Jan Brewer declined dinner at the White House

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We already know mummy-like AZ Gov. Jan Brewer gets absolutely unraveled whenever she’s near Pres. Barack Obama. But why exactly did she decline to attend tomorrow’s Governor’s Dinner at the White House?

Here are the Pocho Ocho reasons Brewer did not accept the President’s invitation:

8– They could not guarantee her a seat next to the open bar

7– She’s going to be busy looking for heads in the desert

6– Sunday night is when she soaks her skin in formaldehyde

Mas…Pocho Ocho reasons Jan Brewer declined dinner at the White House

SCHWA the Video: Dear ‘Stick People’ – Your Alien Overlords are here

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Before X Files claimed “the truth is out there,” before anyone heard of the Mayan Apocalypse, visionary Bill Barker raised the alarm, warning the few who would listen about the real illegal immigration threat – the imminent invasion of Gray Aliens from Outer Espace.

For a while, anyhow. Then he went over to Their Side.

Hollywood-born Barker, who recently approached POCHO to sugarcoat his poison meme, claimed:

I “parquito the espanale” a little. And I was raised in East L.A., near Maywood.

This human sellout — channeling thought emanations from Zeta Reticuli — created, built, staffed and managed the SCHWA Corporation, the holding company of the grays. His mission? Carry out the commands of the Alien Overlords and complete the domination of Earth and its clueless Stick People.

Barker proudly gave POCHO his SCHWA World Operations Manual so we could make this video, ribbed for your protection.

Mas…SCHWA the Video: Dear ‘Stick People’ – Your Alien Overlords are here

Pocho Ocho reasons we weren’t invited to the Oscars

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In Hollywood, they say, Oscar is king. So why didn’t POCHO get invited to the king’s Big Night Out?

8. All the valet gigs are sewn up by Telemundo producers.

7. They only invite Hispanics with the right attitude, with good credit  and who play well with others.

6. There is an industry ban on pastel Quinceañera Tuxedos.

5. They think Mexican Mitt is a Cuban baseball catcher.

Mas…Pocho Ocho reasons we weren’t invited to the Oscars

Factory workers strike in China as GOP and Fox demand more

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Chinese meme manufacturers are struggling with increased demand
(PNS reporting from BEN WA, CHINA) A wildcat strike at the FoxCon plant here yesterday briefly shut down meme production as assembly-line workers protested increased workloads and a benefit cutback.

FoxCon’s Factory #42, a joint venture by Fox News and the GOP Conservative Action Committee, produces faux factoids, snotty snippets and misrepresentations of the Democrats’ policy positions for increasingly-desperate right-wing organizations.

Plant managers are apparently struggling to come up with sufficient quantities of the bullshit antagonists needed keep the Republican primary candidates from sinking into a morass of obvious lies, silly solipsisms and cesspools of hate.

Mas…Factory workers strike in China as GOP and Fox demand more

Satan speaks: Santorum, the election and Mayan Doomsday

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Santorum? Did you ever Google his last name? I send his calls straight to voice mail.

(PNS reporting from HELL) GOP Presidential candidate Rick Santorum is making no attempt to distance himself from his inflammatory 2008 remarks accusing Satan of “attacking America” but Satan responded Wednesday,  claiming that Santorum is in for a “big surprise.”

Pocho Ñews Service sent especial correspondent S. J. Rivera  deep into Hades to interview the Prince of Darkness himself  (see: not Ozzy Osbourne.) We wanted Lucifer’s thoughts on Santorum, Sarah Palin, the 2012 election and the Mayan-scheduled end of the world.

PNS: What are your thoughts about what Rick Santorum said about you?

Satan: Look, I’m a busy guy, but did I see his comments? Yes. Frankly I’m amused that he thinks so highly of himself. Every time he calls me I send him directly to voicemail and man, can that dude cry! Have you Googled his last name? Yikes! Rick has a lot in common with that Babeu guy in Arizona and believe me when I say there’s a hot date in both of their futures.

Mas…Satan speaks: Santorum, the election and Mayan Doomsday

Daniel D. Portado: The 90s Are Back and So Am I! (video)

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(PNS reporting from ALTA CALIFORNIA) The original militant self-deportationist Daniel D. Portado is back and proud as punch that his ex-boss Pete Wilson has endorsed GOP wannabe Mitt Rammane. Romney has already advocated self-deportation, as Portado told Rachel Maddow, and that means Romney endorses Portado! “Attention mojados,” he warns in this video. “It’s time to self-deport!”

Happy Birthday, Chespirito!

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POCHO wishes Roberto Gomez Bolaños — AKA “Chespirito” — a happy 83rd birthday.

Chespirito (Little Shakespeare) is Mexico’s most-beloved children’s comic, humorist and performer, creator of the iconic television shows El Chavo and El Chapulin Colorado.

El Chapulin is famously the inspiration for the Simpson’s “Bumblebee Man.” I was fortunate to have met Bolaños and his wife “Doña Florinda” at the Latino Book and Family Festival at Cal State L.A. in 2005.

His characters appeared on Mexican and Latin American television from 1970 to 1995, and at their peak had 350 million viewers. Chespirito continues to bring joy and risas to children all over Latin America and the U.S.

Look y LOL: Lin-sanity caption chingazos for white athletes

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ESPN? Oh no you you di'nt!
Chinese-American NBA rookie superstar Jeremy Lin has famously inspired some silly and fun “Lin-sane” punnery.

ESPN editor Anthony Federico penned a controversial Lin-spired headline (screencapture, right) that used the word “chink,” as in “Chink In The Armor” and got fired for writing a dopey racist headline and/or for being lazy and publishing the first crappy thing that popped into his mind.

POCHO contributor Edward Rueda has created this series of Caption Chingazos featuring an array of Caucasian athletes, with the modest proposal:

What if white athletes had to deal with Lin-sensitive media headlines?

Mas…Look y LOL: Lin-sanity caption chingazos for white athletes

Dear Gorton’s: Thanks for the apology but …

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Dear Gorton’s Seafood and Rinck Advertising:

I am thrilled to the gills that you took the time to respond. I am a fan of your products, and hope that they reach many more households than mine.

However, your response reveals exactly why you floundered in the first place. You mention that you “used a Spanish translation service,” and that “Spanish-speaking staff members were involved throughout the project.”

You didn’t say that you translated it yourself in-house, or that Spanish-speaking and/or Latino executives (emphasis on executives) oversaw the project.

Instead, it seems like someone internally had the idea to reach out to Latina moms but fish-farmed out the work because you didn’t have the capabilities or experience to do it on your own.

Mas…Dear Gorton’s: Thanks for the apology but …

Video: The ‘Sheriff Babeu for @MexicanMitt’ TV spot

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(PNS reporting from ARIZONA) It’s the commercial the Mexican Mitt Romney campaign didn’t want you to see — an explosive TV endorsement by anti-immigrant Sheriff Paul Babeu calling for the erection of a GAYDAR border fence.

The six-figure TV buy on local stations was cancelled over the weekend after Babeu faced hard questions about how exactly he meant to “get to the bottom” of the Mexican immigrant situation.

Mas…Video: The ‘Sheriff Babeu for @MexicanMitt’ TV spot

It’s Presidents Day: The good and the not so good (NSFW)

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The Good:

George Washington’s birthday is a federal holiday celebrated on the third Monday of February in honor of George Washington, the first President of Los United Estates, AKA The Father of Our Country. Some people call it Presidents Day (sometimes spelled Presidents’ Day or President’s Day.)

The Not So Good:

Dave Chappelle isn’t so sure about George’s special day, right there in the middle of Black History Month (NSFW Video):

Mas…It’s Presidents Day: The good and the not so good (NSFW)

Ñewsweek: Lalo the valet, the gay GOP sheriff, fishsticks and boobs

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There’s a fine line between truth and satire, a twisty maze of passageways, all alike. POCHO was doing that line dance all week with these stories:

Mexican Mitt Romney: ‘Sheriff Paul Babeau’s GAYDAR got to the bottom of the illegal problem’

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Anti-Immigrant Pinal County Sheriff Paul Babeu has resigned as Mitt Romney’s Arizona GOP Primary Campaign Co-Chair.  Sheriff Babeu is facing explosive allegations that he tried to intimidate a former Mexican immigrant lover with deportation threats. Especial Guest Columnist Mexican Mitt Romney offers his Opinión:

Sheriff Babeu has stepped down from his volunteer position with the campaign so he can spend more time fighting with his gay mojado boyfriend.

I am so sad that Sheriff Babeu had to geu.

But he has a bigger fight on his hands than getting me elected President of the United Estates. Babeu is going to focus more on wrestling the problem of illegal immigration to the ground.

Sheriff Babeu is right when he says America’s head is buried in a pillow over immigration. Sheriff Babeu has always said he wants to get ahead of the mojados, and inside the illegals. Inside their minds! Ajua!

Mas…Mexican Mitt Romney: ‘Sheriff Paul Babeau’s GAYDAR got to the bottom of the illegal problem’

Sabado Pochonte Video: Welcome to 2040 on ‘The Other Side’

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Exterior, day: Destitute desert town in the year 2040. Audio: Spanish newsradio tells the story — unemployment is 86%, gangs are everywhere and food and water are getting scarce.

There’s only one thing a father can do — smuggle his family across the border to the prosperous country on The Other Side.

Mayan Doomsday experts can’t agree on how long is left

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(PNS reporting from the YUCATAN) The emergency Leap Year meeting of the Eschatological Chronology Society ended in disarray here Thursday as doomsday gurus couldn’t agree on whether the Mayan Apocalypse should be calculated in Colored People’s Time, Chicano Time or Jewish Standard Time.

Scientists at the conference were hoping to resolve the question before Leap Day on Feb. 29 and go home with a solid fix on how many days are left before the Lunar-Based Aliens from Mars that NASA is hiding do their Lunatic thing and immanentize the eschaton.

Now the tick-tock boffins will have to reconvene and deduce the time warp again.

Mas…Mayan Doomsday experts can’t agree on how long is left

Hate immigrants? Love homemade bombs? Come to Kansas!

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Also questioned and released: Sacco (left) and Vanzetti

(PNS reporting from TOPEKA) Are you angry? Is your ugly truck plastered with bigoted stickers? Do you have homemade explosives at home and in your vehicle? Are you a  veteran who hates immigrants and anyone who “no-speako-the-English?”

No problemo, amigo! Come to Topeka, KS where you can park your truck full of homemade explosives next to a government building and the police will look the other way!

That’s right, friend – you can build all the homemade bombs you want (now with deadly shrapnel!) pile them in your beat-up truck and bring ‘em on down to the Kansas State building for a Ka-booming good time! Yes, you can be just like Timothy McVeigh and plot endless schemes of domestic terrorism and the cops in Kansas will just shrug their shoulders say, “Whoops…”

Mas…Hate immigrants? Love homemade bombs? Come to Kansas!

New from Gorton’s: Deliciosos Tits and Fishsticks! (updated)

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Screencapture from GortonEnEspanol.com

So, what if I could find tits and fish sticks all in one place? A one-stop shop for all my breast and seafood needs?

This is what’s on my mind today after Gorton’s fun website snafu. They launched a web page for Spanish-speaking Latina moms this week, and left one teeny tiny accent off a fairly important word. They turned mothers and seafood into, well, something a whole lot raunchier than what they probably intended.

Mas…New from Gorton’s: Deliciosos Tits and Fishsticks! (updated)

Standing While Brown: A white lady tried to get me to valet her car

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I was not dressed like this

Representing Pocho.com, I was a panelist along with a table full of young, savvy Latino digital media types as part of last night’s Digital LA Latino Content event.

Afterwards, I finished up networking and headed outside to leave. As I waited to get my car in front of the host restaurant in Beverly Hills, you’ll never guess what happened: A white lady tried to give me her car valet ticket. Twice.

You’ve heard this story a thousand times before; it’s a Latino cliché. Or is it a tradition?

Anglo person assumes brown person is a worker, there to serve them.

An old Chicano chestnut goes something like this:

I’m a Mexican-American, am married to a white woman, and I was mowing our lawn in front of our nice, big home. A white lady pulled up in a car and asked, “How much do you charge to mow a lawn?” My answer: Nothing. The lady of the house lets me sleep with her.

Mas…Standing While Brown: A white lady tried to get me to valet her car

Mexico issues travel warning for Los United Estates

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L.A. jails Chicanos on the slightest pretext

(PNS reporting from MEXICO CITY) In the widest travel advisory since the Zoot Suit Riots of the 1940s, the Mexican government is recommending that Mexicans avoid travel to all or parts of the United States of America.

Mexico’s State Department has warned against any nonessential travel in all of California, Arizona, Texas and New Mexico as well as the entire South, including Florida.

The advisory issued Tuesday note that Mexican citizens have been victims of offically-sanctioned governmental racism, including scapegoating, false statistics and Jim Crow-era laws. It is the first time the Mexican government listed advisories for the entire United States.

Mas…Mexico issues travel warning for Los United Estates

Obama aide’s ‘Chimichanga’ Tweet – racist or not?

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Giant esteak chimichanga

In what’s been termed “the tweet heard ’round the world,” Pres. Barack Obama’s campaign manager Jim Messina tweeted today that a line from a Washington Post editorial— “The chimichanga? It may be the only thing Republicans have left to offer Latinos” — was the “line of the day.”

Consequently, and in short order, Republicans began attacking Messina (not Latino) and lefties in general for being racist, insensitive, not offering Latinos much in the way of policies anyway, and much more. Repercussions of the tweet, however, reach much further than the Twitterverse.

Mas…Obama aide’s ‘Chimichanga’ Tweet – racist or not?

Around Our Town: Ñews from your neighbors

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WEDDING: Mr. and Mrs. Julio Santiago of Pocho Estates are pleased to announce the marriage of their daughter Suzanne to Samson Lei of Monterey Park, son of Mrs. Chin Louie of San Francisco and Mr. Stagger Lei of New Orleans.  After a honeymoon in Hawaii, the couple will be moving far away from both sets of parents to live their own damn  lives free of drama, race-baiting, and a legacy of never-ending bullshit from control freaks.

Mas…Around Our Town: Ñews from your neighbors

Pocho Ocho words that should be in the dictionary

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Sometimes finding the right word can be tricky, so you need to look them up. That’s why these eight pocho words need to go into the English dictionary:

8. Irregardless – That this word does not officially exist has never stopped anyone (including me) from using it. Why use regardless or irrespective when this one sounds so much better? If Sarah Palin can do it…

7. Expecially – Used to emphasize things that don’t really need emphasizing, such as “I love chocolate, expecially when it’s sweet.”

6. Libary – Often confused with library. No one really needs the second R and people will think you’re conceited if you use it. It’s still the same definition, just different a word.

Mas…Pocho Ocho words that should be in the dictionary

Latino Cupid Valentine’s Day cards for tough times

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That little love scamp Latino Cupid presents his special Valentine’s Day cards for tough times. As they say around here, Happy Valentimes Day! Catch more of Latino Cupid’s escapades around this time every year at La Cucaracha, the nationally-syndicated comic strip by me, Pocho’s Jefe-In-Chief Lalo Alcaraz. Sign up for free La Cucaracha comics daily at GoComics.

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