Politics of chonies: What I learned when I sent my laundry out

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lavanderiaI might be renting out a room this summer to a friend. She made a phone appointment with me and asked a list of questions about living in my place in Brooklyn. How far is it from Manhattan? What trains do you take? Do you have Internet? Can I use the kitchen? Then she asked about laundry.

“I heard you take your laundry on the bus!” she said like it was some sort of urban myth. I took one of those prolonged intakes of breath.

Laundry is complicated.

Mas…Politics of chonies: What I learned when I sent my laundry out

BREAKING: Cain backs Gingrich, releases campaign poster

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(PNS reporting from LA FLORIDA) In an apparent play for the VP nod, former gangster pizza mogul and serial groper Herman Cain has endorsed former Freaker of the Spouse Newt Gingrich in his bid for the Republican presidential nomination. Enthusiastic Cain aides leaked this prototype of their dream ticket campaign poster.

Earlier this week, the Gingrich campaign HQ released a subtitled version of their candidate’s Spanish-language TV commercial.

Pocho Ñews Service PNS is a wholly-fictitious subsidiary of the Pocho Corporation, who is a person according to the Supreme Court.  Don’t ask us, we just work here.

Sabado Pochonte: DTLA, Olvera St., 1937 (Vericolor, Cliché-o-Vision)

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A Street of Memory (1937): You’ll meet “soft-speaking olive-skinned guides, languid in business” the narrator intones as he guides tourists in a walk through Los Angeles’ quasi-historic Olvera Street.
Brain-exploding old school stereotypes spice up this documentary by William M. Pizor – a “Vericolor production offering touristic views of  Olvera Street and the old Mexican quarter in Los Angeles, California” according to the Internet Archive.

Do you see anyone you know? Recognize any landmarks?

POCHO needs a mad genius sales jefe

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Hey, amigos:

Yes, you, the ones with the ad agency contacts and the AlwaysBeClosing tattoos:

If you have strategic vision, sales team management experience, a thick little black book and the knife-in-your-teeth attitude of a closer, check out this job listing: POCHO wants to interview you for a job as our Jefe de Sales y Business Development.

Shocking study links global warming and Latino immigration

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Courtesy 'International Correlations of Climatology'

(PNS reporting from ARIZONA) The warmer the U.S. gets, the more Latinos live here. That’s the controversial conclusion of a scientific study released Thursday by the Demographic Climatology Trend Institute at Maricopa County Community College.

“We don’t know if the warmer weather makes El Norte a more comfortable place to live for Mexicans used to desert living, you know, with the sombreros and cacti and burros, or that the number of brown people on our side of the border means more sunlight is getting absorbed and kicking up the thermometer,” said Assistant Professor of Ignorametry Joe “Junior” Arapaio.

Mas…Shocking study links global warming and Latino immigration

Video: Gingrich Spanish TV ad now with English subtitles

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(PNS reporting from LA FLORIDA) As the Newt Gingrich campaign fights to win votes in the upcoming GOP primaries, his campaign has reached out to the Sunshine State’s Spanish-espeaking voters. As a public service, the former Freaker of the Spouse has prepared this version of the commercial with subtitles for voters who don’t habla Espanol. Mitt Romney’s campaign released a similarly-subtitled video last week.

Mas…Video: Gingrich Spanish TV ad now with English subtitles

BARACK vs. BREWER! Exclusive audio: When Obama met Brewer at the PHX airport (NSFW)

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(PNS reporting from ARIZONA) When Gov. Jan Brewer met visiting Pres. Barack Obama at the Phoenix-Mesa Gateway airport Wednesday they appeared to have engaged in a testy verbal exchange. The PNS crack mobile team of forensic audiologists have managed to extract the sound of the conversation from the background noise. Here’s what Obama and Brewer said (NSFW.)

Mas…BARACK vs. BREWER! Exclusive audio: When Obama met Brewer at the PHX airport (NSFW)

Coyote says new crop of ‘Cuban’ migrants are Mexicans

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"What we do es put them on a boat or a raft"

(PNS reporting from LA FLORIDA) The new wave of so-called “Cuban” immigrants washing up on the shores of the Sunshine State are really Mexicanos in disguise, at least according to one coyote.

In an exclusive interview with PNS, people smuggler Chivo Rodriguez says the scheme is already an open secret in Mexico and it’s only a matter of time before the whole country is singing Guantanamera!

Mas…Coyote says new crop of ‘Cuban’ migrants are Mexicans

TACO THE TOWN: Idiot CT mayor defends cops against racism charges

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Pop quiz: Say you’re the mayor of East Haven, CT and you wouldn’t know the meaning of STFU even if someone dropped a dumpster-full of it on your head from 90 stories up.

A TV reporter asks for comment after the FBI busted four of your police officers on charges they acted like “bullies with badges,” beating up, harrassing and lying about Latinos – who make up 10% of your citizenry.

How do you promise you’ll reach out to your Latino community? Wait – you’re gonna what? Dig yourself into a bottomless hole like a meth-addicted Marine on a Red Bull bender under heavy machine gun fire? Okay – hang on a sec, we need to grab some popcorn and a couple of beers.

Mas…TACO THE TOWN: Idiot CT mayor defends cops against racism charges

Girls – no matter how you dress, guys will scope you out

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Stop staring at my ears!

Have you ever noticed, ladies, that no matter how you dress or how you act, men are going to check you out?

Bosses, co-workers, friends, stranger, acquaintances or just plain cochinos, they are going to scope you out as much or as little as your clothing allows? Ugh.

I grew up in the Catholic/Mexican tradition that kind of espoused the idea that, if you’re an object of sexual desire, it’s shameful and it’s your fault and you should feel guilty because you’re sinful. So, guess what started happening when I began to “develop” into a woman?

Mas…Girls – no matter how you dress, guys will scope you out

Breaking Ñews: @MexicanMitt releases first campaign poster

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@MexicanMitt

(PNS reporting from NEAR THE BORDER) Campaign aides at Gov. Mitt Romney’s headquarters at a palatial goat rancho here have just released the candidate’s first campaign poster. Romney released his first English-subtitled Spanish-language commercial last week.

“The Most Mexican Man In The World,” @MexicanMitt is  pictured enjoying the glamorous lifestyle of a “Baindido” of the money industry, or the “cash cartel,” as he likes to call it.

Romney is shown posed in his campaign garb – looking over his vast land holdings – as a herd of chivos frolics in the corral.

His juanderful campaign slogan, “I AM THE JUAN PERCENT” is winning over many converts to his jihad against taxes on the uber-super-maxi-rich.

Mas…Breaking Ñews: @MexicanMitt releases first campaign poster

UFOHunter: This is the sound of the Mothership (NSFW)

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Outer espace especial correspondent UFOHunter, the man behind ¡PutaNASA!, is back.

Building on his groundbreaking expose of the links between Mayan Doomsday 2012, gray aliens on the Moon and NASA UFO coverups, Orlando-based Hunter

  • reveals shocking details about unearthly sounds heard all around the world
  • admits he heard them too
  • plays back  the  recordings for all the Internets to hear

Then he asks the obvious question: IS THIS THE SOUND OF THE MOTHERSHIP?

Not safe for work.

Sabado Pochonte Video: Fred MacMurray, Claire Trevor, Raymond Burr and Nacho Galindo star in ‘Borderline’ (1950)

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This 1950 crime melodrama with humorous undertones involves the investigation of dope smugglers on the Mexican border. Americans Fred MacMurray and Claire Trevor enter the scene and find themselves embroiled in the illicit activities. Both are government agents, but each one thinks the other is a crook. The real bad guy is Raymond Burr, head of the smuggling ring. At one point, MacMurray and Trevor must pretend to be husband and wife, which weakens their mutual mistrust. Eventually, MacMurray and Trevor sort out the heroes from the villains, and the dope ring is scuttled…at least for the time being.  (from the YouTube page.)

Nacho Galindo? There’s a Google for that!

Pocho Ocho words we should banish in 2012

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8. Anchor baby (noun) – Wait- this is an anti-Latino slur? FAIL. Seriously, this just makes us picture an infant so cute and fat we could use it for a boat anchor. Just chuck it in – kerPLOP! – you can drift and chug Coronas all afternoon. Do better, wingnuts.

7.  Arpaio (proper noun) – Actually, we’d just like to banish this one from the government payroll, strip it down to its pink underwear and let it play where’s-the-soap for 99 to life.

Mas…Pocho Ocho words we should banish in 2012

Meet ‘Pocho’ the novel, its author, and their times

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The interview is three decades old but still amazing. Listen to the man that started “pochismo!”

As the University of Texas presents the Mexican American Experience writes:

Jose Antonio Villarreal discusses his 1959 novel, Pocho, and the ways in which his own life and politics influenced his writing. Villarreal first discusses his experiences growing up in the pre-World War II era in California. He traces some of the similarities between his own life and that of his character, Richard Rubio, but he stresses that his novel is not a biography. Villarreal says he wrote Pocho because he wanted to introduce the rest of the U.S. to a group of Americans they knew nothing about.

Click to listen

WAR ‘(All My Friends Know the) Low Rider’ plus ‘Cisco Kid’

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TGIF Music Video Double Play: Groove on out the office with WAR’s Low Rider and Cisco Kid. How a band made up of six African-Americans and a Jew from Denmark turned into one of Latinos’ favorite groups is a long story, but the songs WAR wrote at 7417 Sunset Blvd. were definitely happenin’ in the hood. All but one of WAR’s surviving original members now perform as the Lowrider Band.

Mas…WAR ‘(All My Friends Know the) Low Rider’ plus ‘Cisco Kid’

PETA: Mexican quinoa vs chia cartel wars hurt Fido, Fluffy

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PETA AD: I CAN HAZ CHIA SEED?

(PNS reporting from AUSTIN) Skyrocketing demand for “perfect foods” has fueled a war between the rival QuinoaTraficante and ChiaTraficante agricultural cartels as they fight for market dominance — and Fido and Fluffy are the latest “collateral damage.”

Texas People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) say recent attacks on Mexican chia seed production — apparently at the hands of rival-cartel-affiliated quinoa growers — have left thousands of area seed-deprived chia pets cold, shivering and hairless in the dark. PETA said this includes Fido and Fluffy, of Barton Creek, pictured (above) in the organization’s latest Web ad.

Mas…PETA: Mexican quinoa vs chia cartel wars hurt Fido, Fluffy

Romney campaign releases subtitled ‘Nosotros’ TV ad

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(PNS reporting from the CAYMAN ISLANDS) Addressing complaints from English-speaking voters that his new Spanish-language Nosotros TV commercial was Greek to them, Gov. Mitt Romney’s campaign today released a subtitled version of the ad, available here for the first time as a POCHO exclusive video.

POCHO ÑEWS SERVICE PNS IS A WHOLLY-FICTITIOUS SUBSIDIARY OF THE POCHO CORPORATION, WHO IS A PERSON ACCORDING TO THE SUPREME COURT. DON’T ASK US, WE JUST WORK HERE.

AZ’s hater history: Public Enemy ‘By the Time I Get to Arizona’

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Tucson schools ban the A-B-C’s – are the 1-2-3’s next?

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Undercover lapel-cam photo: Is this John Huppenthal (arrow) waving to supporters at book burning rally?

(PNS reporting from TUCSON) Even as John Huppenthal takes a breather now that teaching the alphabet is banned in Tucson schools, his Taliban-style campaign of education purification continues in the hands of allies.

“We won’t stop with just readin’ and writin’,” they say, “so ‘rithmetic is next!”

Superintendent of Public Instruction Huppenthal told PNS why he is terrified by brown-skinned children who read books and ask preguntas:

Mas…Tucson schools ban the A-B-C’s – are the 1-2-3’s next?

That’s not funny! Why did POCHO go dark for 24 hours?

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24 hours of STFU against SOPA AND PIPA

We’re gonna get real with you for just a second, and then it’s back to the jajaja.

We know it, you know it, even thousands of freaked-out college students know it now:

SOPA and PIPA are horrible bills that would turn control of all the mad, juicy goodness of the Internet – including sites like ours –  over to a handful of greedy, pinstripe-suited dobermans known as entertainment industry lawyers. And those dogs would rip it all to bloody shreds.

Mas…That’s not funny! Why did POCHO go dark for 24 hours?

Hispanic labor federation backs Romney nomination

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(PNS reporting from DIXIE) The Latino Labor Association and Limpiadores Alliance today announced they are backing former Mass. Gov. Mitt Romney in advance of Saturday’s South Carolina GOP primary vote.

LALALA president Ed “Big Tiny” Calvados said Romney offers the best hope for Hispanics to achieve the American dream of fame, fortune and greed.

“The choice is obvious,” he said. “Gingrich wants to take our food stamps and ghetto language, Santorum’s trickle-down stinks and Rick Perry’s Tejano tushie will get spanked in the general election.”

“Mitt walks the walk. Take his position on jobs,” he said. “Mitt has eight houses, and if you figure a gardener and a housekeeper in each, that’s almost a dozen and a half gente off the welfare rolls and onto the payroll.”

Mas…Hispanic labor federation backs Romney nomination

Am I a racist because I want to date Latino guys?

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During my seemingly eternal quest for love, I’ve been accused  more than once of being “racist” for mostly dating Latinos.

Part of this is totally my fault and the result of my whining and chiflazón. There’s  a misunderstanding about what motivates me and other people like me, who are interested primarily in dating other Latinos.

First and foremost, let me say that I have dated mostly pochos like me, but I’ve also dated Cubans, white men, and Asian men, finally coming to the conclusion that all men on this planet are idiots when they are in their 20s. Some of my complaints, which other Latinas share,  include:  They want to get married too soon, or they’re divorced with kids young, they’re too short, as you become more educated there are less Latinos around you, they’re scared of educated/professional women. The list goes on.

Mas…Am I a racist because I want to date Latino guys?

Week in Ñews: @MexicanMitt, bishop with kids, racist white ladies, immigrants suck

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It was a big week for big news here at POCHO, where the big estory was our Mexclusive interview with new Twitter sensation @MexicanMitt, who told Pocho Ñews Service PNS “I’m in it to guin it!”

We also released the voicemail Catholic Bishop Gabino Zavala left when he told his boss the Archbishop about his secret life with a chica and two shorties.

The Racist White Ladies video (and response and apology videos) continued to amaze people who thought they’d seen everything from Arizona.

Turns out, Arizona-watchers, you ain’t seen anything, yet!

Click through for the stories and links.

Mas…Week in Ñews: @MexicanMitt, bishop with kids, racist white ladies, immigrants suck

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