(PNS reporting from NEW YERSEY) Literally hours after Dominican immigrant Pedro Quezada won the $338 million New Jersey Powerball jackpot Saturday, the Republican Party announced that the years 2013-2023 will be known as the Decade of the Dominican.
The news was met with universal cynicism, and is seen as the latest in a series of floundering attempts by the party to attract new minority members to its ranks.
“We are really thrilled for Mr. Quezada, as this is the first time in years a Dominican in New Jersey has raised his hands over his head without being surrounded by police,” said African-American GOP spokesman Sam Beau.
“Plus, the fact that he is named ‘Pedro’ makes it easier for us to remember his name.”
Beau said the Decade of the Dominican designation represents a major advancement for the GOP, and many of its members were eager to know what part of Puerto Rico the Dominican Republic was located in.
Many also wanted to know if Quezada was related to Dominican baseball star Chico Escuela.
“This is really the best time to recognize our Dominican neighbors,” said Beau. “What do they eat? What sports are they good at? What the hell is that language they are speaking?”
Beau also said the GOP is offering to invest Quezada’s money into a series of hedge funds to help him avoid spending his winnings on wild bachatón parties, dominoes and goats.
Plus, the GOP has offered Quezada legal representation against the scores of cousins, illegitimate children and otra familias that are bound to come out of the woodwork in the wake of his big score.
The GOP also announced that it is granting Dominicans the coveted Most Favored Negro status, which has previously been awarded to Clarence Thomas, O.J. Simpson and ‘80s TV star Gary Coleman.
“Did you know Columbus first landed in the Dominican Republic and that it was the site of the first European settlement in the New World?” said Beau. “This makes the Dominicans the oldest-colonized people of the Americas. How could we not know this?”
Since that time, the Dominican Republic has brought forward many famous cultural figures, including Pulitzer Prize-winning author Junot Diaz, fashion designer Oscar de la Renta, singer Juan Luis Guerra, Al Qaeda operative Carlos Almonte, and of course baseball legend Chico Escuela.
Longtime Cuban-American GOP supporters are incensed at the announcement, as they have been patiently waiting for the “Decade of the Gusano” promised to them by Republican leaders in the 1960s.
The failed Republican vision for attracting minorities came to a bloody head last month, when the GOP’s Latino-themed political action conference TuPAC inadvertently re-ignited the East Coast-West Coast rap war. Several people were shot at the conference, including the TuPAC mascot, who was dressed as a piñata.
Reached for a statement, multimillionaire immigrant Quezada smiled and said “Powerball been berry berry good to me.”
Photo by Associated Press Photographer and Friend of Pochismo Julio Cortez
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