(PNS reporting from HELL) GOP Presidential candidate Rick Santorum is making no attempt to distance himself from his inflammatory 2008 remarks accusing Satan of “attacking America” but Satan responded Wednesday, claiming that Santorum is in for a “big surprise.”
Pocho Ñews Service sent especial correspondent S. J. Rivera deep into Hades to interview the Prince of Darkness himself (see: not Ozzy Osbourne.) We wanted Lucifer’s thoughts on Santorum, Sarah Palin, the 2012 election and the Mayan-scheduled end of the world.
PNS: What are your thoughts about what Rick Santorum said about you?
Satan: Look, I’m a busy guy, but did I see his comments? Yes. Frankly I’m amused that he thinks so highly of himself. Every time he calls me I send him directly to voicemail and man, can that dude cry! Have you Googled his last name? Yikes! Rick has a lot in common with that Babeu guy in Arizona and believe me when I say there’s a hot date in both of their futures.
PNS: So is it true that you are “attacking the great institutions of America?”
Satan: Well, yes and no. I mean, I’m not exactly blowing up Budweiser factories or banning NASCAR races but you know that show Glee? All mine. I am also taking credit for everything Arizona does and almost everything that happens in the South, except for Rick Perry, that guy is an asshole all by himself.
PNS: Sarah Palin recently defended Santorum’s comments saying that people got “whacked out” about what he said. Thoughts?
Satan: Sarah who? Oh! Is she still around…? Are you sure…I could have sworn I put her in the Circle of Hell that deals specifically with idiots and people that use up perfectly good oxygen. My bad. I’ll tell you who is whacked out – anyone who takes her seriously and doesn’t die from stupidity.
PNS: Any thoughts on the 2012 Presidential election?
Satan: I am personally endorsing Ron Paul. That guy gets it! Ron and I go waaay back – he sold his soul to me years ago when he was doing those newsletters and endorsing people like David Duke. I know the kids love him for the weed thing and all but bringing back the institution of slavery and erasing civil rights? Hell yes! Count me in.
PNS: Is the world really going to end this year?
Satan: Well, that depends…I know everyone is freaking out about the Mayans but let me tell you, if any of these GOP people win the election, the world will definitely be coming to an end. That will be great for my portfolio plus I’ll get to come hang out, eat at In-N-Out Burger and punch that know-it-all Pat Robertson guy in the face. If Obama wins, well…I suppose things will stay the way they are now which is also fine because so many people are brain dead anyway. I hardly have to do any work these days!
PNS: Any parting words for your fans?
Satan: Hell yes! Vote Republican! Vote Democrat! Don’t vote at all! You people keep this up and I’ll be there quicker than you can say Marco Rubio is the Antichrist!
S. J. Rivera is an Indie Publisher/Author and knows Satan personally @ Broken Sword Publications.
Satan photograph by DonkeyHotey.
