Mas…La Cucaracha: Emergency alert proves practice makes panic
alert
BREAKING: Bernie Bros’ exploding heads spur FBI zombie alert
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) The FBI is warning citizens to be on the lookout for hungry zombies attracted by the brains spewed from the exploding heads of diehard Bernie Bros.
Bernie Sanders supporters’ brains, the Feds said, are piling up on the streets of gentrified neighborhoods across America.
The brainiac explosions followed Sanders’ endorsement of Democratic presidential nomination rival Hillary Clinton this morning.
“These zombies especially love the entitled taste of Bernie Bro brains,” FBI spokesman Whitman “Ken” Jump told a press conference here today (photo). “We’re calling them Zombros.“
Mas…BREAKING: Bernie Bros’ exploding heads spur FBI zombie alert
Breaking: Malaysian jet mystery prompts terrorist alert
(PNS reporting from the EAST LOS ANGELES) Pocholandia security officials issued a terrorist alert this morning prompted by the mysterious disappearance of Malaysia Airlines MH370 over the Gulf of Thailand or the Strait of Malacca or wherever that shit happened, yo.
“I am alerting you terrorist pendejos. Stay the hell out of East Los!“ said spokesman Gustavo “Little Lalo” Madrigal of the Minivan Crips, a volunteer neighborhood watch group.
“The AMERICAN ME ORANGE ALERT is the second highest alert classification used by the Pocholandia Security Advisory System, bitches, so watchale!” he added.
Graphics by Victor Payan via Hollywood Sign Generator and Personal Threat Level.
PREVIOUSLY ON TERRORIST THEATRE:
¡Wachale! POCHO Public Service New Year 2014 Punctuation Alert
The tilde — don’t leave home without it! Please share!
PREVIOUSLY ON HOLIDAY CULTURE ALERTS:
Mas…¡Wachale! POCHO Public Service New Year 2014 Punctuation Alert
GOP alerts Congressmen on vacay to ‘looming threat of liberalism’
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, DC) As the Republican-controlled House of Representatives left town for a five-week paid vacation, GOP leaders warned members returning to their home districts to be on high alert because of unspecified “threats of liberalism.”
“These liberals are out there with their ‘logic and facts and science,’ and all our malarkey will Ben Ghazi in our faces if we’re not careful,” Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) cautioned in a memo to his partisans Friday.
“Members are urged to stay close to their vacation retreats in gate-guarded communities, hunting lodges, country clubs and private marinas,” Boehner wrote, “and avoid potentially hazardous areas that may harbor liberals and their sympathizers. College campuses, where Republicans can easily get bamboozled by Improvised Intellectual Debates (IIDs), are particularly dangerous.”
Mas…GOP alerts Congressmen on vacay to ‘looming threat of liberalism’