apocalypse

Say goodbye to 2012, ‘The Year of the Chancla’ in Mayan Calendar

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Overlooked in the Mayan Apocalypse Doomsday frenzy: December 21 was also the end of the Year of the Chancla, one of nine named years in the Mayan calendar. Here are the pocho ocho other next named years:

2013: Year of the Nopal
2014: Year of the Pendleton
2015: Year of the Nalgas
2016: Year of the Chonies

Mas…Say goodbye to 2012, ‘The Year of the Chancla’ in Mayan Calendar

China busts Mayan Apocalypse rumor spreaders, ex-USSR in panic mode

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Denial is not only a river in Egypt but also an official policy of the Chinese Communist Party as the police state’s police arrested dozens for trying to warn the captive population about the Mayan Apocalypse Friday. [Be sure to synchronize your chronometers for The End of the World As We Know It with the OFFICIAL POCHO MAYAN DOOMSDAY countdown clock in the right column of this page.]

These brave “counter-revolutionaries” and “enemies of the people” are behind bars because they dared to tell to truth to billions of clueless Chinos.

Mas…China busts Mayan Apocalypse rumor spreaders, ex-USSR in panic mode

Mayan weed bombs scar U.S. field, Trekkies prepare for Apocalypse

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Every day brings us closer to the End of the World as We Know It on December 21 (synchronize your chronometers with our MAYAN APOCALYPSE DOOMSDAY COUNTDOWN CLOCK in the right column.)

All over the Internets, extremely concerned Trekkies are banding together to wear “expendable red” jerseys on The Last Day, so they can “die as Mr. Gene Rodenberry intended.”

And policia stationed near San Luis, AZ found a freshly-plowed field on the American side of the Colorado River scarred by craters and dotted with payloads of Mayan Marijuana apparently shot by cannabis cannoneers using a pneumatic cannon.

Pneumatic cannon? Federales found an empty industrial-sized CO2 canister, presumably propellant, in their hood.

Mas…Mayan weed bombs scar U.S. field, Trekkies prepare for Apocalypse

Tio Sam’s official gummint blog: No Mayan Apocalypse for you

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Yes, your Uncle Sam wastes your tax money on blogs while millions suffer and our country lurches toward the fiscal cliff. And Tio Sam says no Mayan Apocalypse for you, despite the obvious DOOMSDAY 2012 COUNTDOWN CLOCK in the right column of EVERY PAGE ON POCHO which says we only have two weeks left!

Ignoring hundreds of thousands of blog posts, websites, videos, prophecies and Tweets, Big Government wants to tell you what “scientists” think. These are the same “people” who think they know better than Hispanic Sen. Marco “Pollo” Rubio the age of the Earth. (It’s 6000 years, but who’s counting?)

Why are they doing this? “For the children!” )*&^%#

Here’s Monday’s official posting, from Blog.USA.gov:

Scary Rumors about the World Ending in 2012 Are Just Rumors

False rumors about the end of the world in 2012 have been commonplace on the Internet for some time. Many of these rumors involve the Mayan calendar ending in 2012 (it won’t), a comet causing catastrophic effects (definitely not), a hidden planet sneaking up and colliding with us (no and no), and many others.

Mas…Tio Sam’s official gummint blog: No Mayan Apocalypse for you

Mayan Apocalypse, solar flares (video), Chinese man builds ‘ark’

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It’s coming — the End of the World As We Know it is just three weeks away — December 21 [CHECK OUR EXCLUSIVE MAYAN APOCALYPSE DOOMSDAY 2012 COUNTDOWN TIMER IN THE RIGHT COLUMN AND SYNCHRONIZE YOUR DEVICES.]

From the video:

The sun has been totally erupting with massive solar flares, dude, because the Earth and Jupiter are no longer in alignment, causing the Sun to fall inward on itself because there is less gravity pulling the Sun out, dig? Have you formulated emergency plans? It will be interesting to see what happens in the next 24 hours!

In China, Lu Zhenghai has been reading up on the upcoming Mayan Apocalypse Doomsday and he is totally prepared with his bitchin’ new self-constructed ark.

Mas…Mayan Apocalypse, solar flares (video), Chinese man builds ‘ark’

Pat Robertson: Tropical storm is God’s warning to Godless God-mockers

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(PNS reporting from VIRGINIA) Rev. Pat Robertson told viewers of his 700 Club last night that Tropical Storm Isaac’s assault on the GOP National Convention in Florida is a warning to sinners.

“You goddam shit-for-brains idiots better pay some goddam attention or our Lord and Savior is gonna whip your sorry asses,” Robertson said. “Do you douchebags really think Our Father Who Art In Heaven will let you get away with this shit?”

“Jesus is cheesed the fuck off!” he told the estimated one million viewers of his Christian Broadcasting Network religious talk show. “Our glorious vengeful God is as angry as a hornet in a henhouse. He’s up in Heaven high, saying, ‘You little pussies, you don’t hate the homos enough! You let ’em get married ‘n’ shit? You are slacking off. I will now drown you. Enjoy the flood, mothafuckas!'”

“I’m talking to you, bitches!” he added.

Mas…Pat Robertson: Tropical storm is God’s warning to Godless God-mockers

Mayan Apocalypse 2012: Meet the word’s first burrito-making robot

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Screenshot of the Burritob0t project page
A cute logo is included with every burrito!

Yes, we know the TacoCopter, the food-delivering unmanned aerial vehicle, was a gosh darn internet hoax, but this new Burritob0t with a web page and tech specs and photos filled with truthiness is the real thing. We swear!

TechCrunch reports:

So this guy at NYU made something special. Are you listening? Put down your phone. Listen. So they made a machine that prints… no, don’t check Twitter. They made a machine that prints burritos. It’s called Burritob0t. I know, right? Seriously. Slow down with the porn for a second. This is important.

Mas…Mayan Apocalypse 2012: Meet the word’s first burrito-making robot

Opinion: We must fight the anti-Mayan Calendar Illuminati 1% (video)

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We might not know anything about them, but Anonymous knows almost everything about us, including stuff THE MAN doesn’t want YOU to know.

The modishly-masked online crusaders will soon shock our chakras with the truth about apocalyptic confluences predicted by the Mayan Calendar and aether-entities from outer espace. Predictably, the Mainstream Media New World Order 1% Wall Street Ivy League Illuminati White Elite is fighting back.

The recent Anonymous blipvert above, for example, was followed by UPenn (founded by life on Mars expert and immigrant hater Benjamin Franklin) joining the Illuminati conspiracy to discredit the Mayan Apocalypse Doomsday 2012 scenario.

One group of chronology-challenged eschatologists even claimed that a recently-discovered calendar — which is older than the Doomsday Calendar — somehow makes the newer calendar wrong. Doh! Illogical!

Mas…Opinion: We must fight the anti-Mayan Calendar Illuminati 1% (video)

Only 1 in 7 believe in impending Mayan Apocalypse Doomsday 2012

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Only 15% will get a piece of Mayan Pie
Only 1 in 7 people has faced up to the fact that the world will end soon and maybe in December, according to a new poll released by Reuters.

“Whether they think it will come to an end through the hands of God, or a natural disaster or a political event, whatever the reason, one in seven thinks the end of the world is coming,” said Keren Gottfried, research manager at Ipsos Global Public Affairs which conducted the poll for Reuters.

“Perhaps it is because of the media attention coming from one interpretation of the Mayan prophecy that states the world ‘ends’ in our calendar year 2012,” Gottfried said.

Confused by the controversy? We need some disinformation and we need it now, and that’s why we turned to the Disinformation Company for this video.

Mas…Only 1 in 7 believe in impending Mayan Apocalypse Doomsday 2012

Share with your parents: UFO Mayan secrets, ancient aliens revealed

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This video comes directly from TrueReality.org so you know it’s right:

Irrefutable Evidence of ExtraTerrestrial Contact carved in Stone Thousands of Years ago on Pre-Mayans site. We shall finally change our History’s Books and let humanity knows our True Origins. The World is wakening up! Share the video with your parents and let everyone discuss it rationally and openly.

Part 2 below.

Mas…Share with your parents: UFO Mayan secrets, ancient aliens revealed

Video: Strange noises terrify TX and OK, Popocatepetl rumbling

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Reuters.com screen capture shows volcano

Every day brings us closer to Mayan Doomsday — Mother Earth will not rest.

Terrified reports of strange, unearthly noises have moved from the Upper Midwest and Canada to the Southwest, scaring the crap out of people in Amarillo, TX and rural Rogers County, OK.

South of the border, Mexican authorities just raised the alert level at the Popocatepetl volcano outside Mexico City.

The Amarillo incident is on video shot by two DJs from KISS FM who ran out of the studio to capture the ghostly howl (below).

Mas…Video: Strange noises terrify TX and OK, Popocatepetl rumbling

Disinformation Company: Doomsday 2012 Science or Superstition?

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Yo what is up with all this Mayan Doomsday 2012 stuff? We need some disinformation and we need it now, and that’s why we turned to the Disinformation Company for this video. Like check it:

Disinformation Company producer Gary Baddeley, director Nimrod Erez and the Disinformation team contacted and arranged interviews with multiple experts, often obtaining speedy access due to more than ten years of working with them or colleagues in their fields!

Mas…Disinformation Company: Doomsday 2012 Science or Superstition?

Mayan Doomsday (the video): ‘2012 The Mayan Word’

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Here’s a novel idea: Why not ask some Mayans about the impending apocalypse? Undercurrents Alternative News did just that in 2012 The Mayan Word. In Spanish and English with English subtitles, this hour-long documentary takes a look at the impending death and obliteration of the world as we know it and beginning of our glorious metamorphosis into luminous beings of light in the Singularity to come. Or maybe not. The official writeup is below.

Mas…Mayan Doomsday (the video): ‘2012 The Mayan Word’

SCHWA the Video: Dear ‘Stick People’ – Your Alien Overlords are here

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Before X Files claimed “the truth is out there,” before anyone heard of the Mayan Apocalypse, visionary Bill Barker raised the alarm, warning the few who would listen about the real illegal immigration threat – the imminent invasion of Gray Aliens from Outer Espace.

For a while, anyhow. Then he went over to Their Side.

Hollywood-born Barker, who recently approached POCHO to sugarcoat his poison meme, claimed:

I “parquito the espanale” a little. And I was raised in East L.A., near Maywood.

This human sellout — channeling thought emanations from Zeta Reticuli — created, built, staffed and managed the SCHWA Corporation, the holding company of the grays. His mission? Carry out the commands of the Alien Overlords and complete the domination of Earth and its clueless Stick People.

Barker proudly gave POCHO his SCHWA World Operations Manual so we could make this video, ribbed for your protection.

Mas…SCHWA the Video: Dear ‘Stick People’ – Your Alien Overlords are here

Pocho Ocho reasons we weren’t invited to the Oscars

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In Hollywood, they say, Oscar is king. So why didn’t POCHO get invited to the king’s Big Night Out?

8. All the valet gigs are sewn up by Telemundo producers.

7. They only invite Hispanics with the right attitude, with good credit  and who play well with others.

6. There is an industry ban on pastel Quinceañera Tuxedos.

5. They think Mexican Mitt is a Cuban baseball catcher.

Mas…Pocho Ocho reasons we weren’t invited to the Oscars

Satan speaks: Santorum, the election and Mayan Doomsday

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Santorum? Did you ever Google his last name? I send his calls straight to voice mail.

(PNS reporting from HELL) GOP Presidential candidate Rick Santorum is making no attempt to distance himself from his inflammatory 2008 remarks accusing Satan of “attacking America” but Satan responded Wednesday,  claiming that Santorum is in for a “big surprise.”

Pocho Ñews Service sent especial correspondent S. J. Rivera  deep into Hades to interview the Prince of Darkness himself  (see: not Ozzy Osbourne.) We wanted Lucifer’s thoughts on Santorum, Sarah Palin, the 2012 election and the Mayan-scheduled end of the world.

PNS: What are your thoughts about what Rick Santorum said about you?

Satan: Look, I’m a busy guy, but did I see his comments? Yes. Frankly I’m amused that he thinks so highly of himself. Every time he calls me I send him directly to voicemail and man, can that dude cry! Have you Googled his last name? Yikes! Rick has a lot in common with that Babeu guy in Arizona and believe me when I say there’s a hot date in both of their futures.

Mas…Satan speaks: Santorum, the election and Mayan Doomsday

Chevy wants you to get a Silverado for Mayan Doomsday 2012

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You’ll be in big trouble when Mayan Apocalapyse Doomsday 2012 comes if you’re driving a crappy truck from Ford! That’s the message from Chevrolet in a commercial set to air during Sunday’s Super Bowl telecast. On the other hand, you can live long and prosper with a stylish, strong and Doomsday-defying Silverado pickup, says the ad from this Uncle Sam GM bailout success story that Mitt Romney wouldn’t have supported.

Attention Chevy: Ping us for great ground-floor advertising opportunities! The folks at RentALatino got a great deal and you can too!

And check out our handy Doomsday Countdown clock over here —————>

Week in Ñews: @MexicanMitt, bishop with kids, racist white ladies, immigrants suck

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It was a big week for big news here at POCHO, where the big estory was our Mexclusive interview with new Twitter sensation @MexicanMitt, who told Pocho Ñews Service PNS “I’m in it to guin it!”

We also released the voicemail Catholic Bishop Gabino Zavala left when he told his boss the Archbishop about his secret life with a chica and two shorties.

The Racist White Ladies video (and response and apology videos) continued to amaze people who thought they’d seen everything from Arizona.

Turns out, Arizona-watchers, you ain’t seen anything, yet!

Click through for the stories and links.

Mas…Week in Ñews: @MexicanMitt, bishop with kids, racist white ladies, immigrants suck

Commie Mayan Queen of Hearts: The caption contest!*

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The back story is that when Soviet linguist Yuri Knorozov deciphered the classic Mayan glyphs in 1952, a mini Mayan craze swept Red artistic circles. Propaganda subtext? Your code is not safe, comrade. A deck of playing cards was the result. Meet the Queen of Hearts, a lovely Д is for “dama” (dame or Дама) indeed. And her little chihuahua.

Write the funniest caption, win the funniest prize!

Mas…Commie Mayan Queen of Hearts: The caption contest!*

Russki space junk crash brings Mayan Doomsday – are we screwed?

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(PNS reporting from MIAMI) The imminent crash – later this week – of a Russian space probe scares local spiritual gurus and national experts alike. All of them fear that the death dive of the Russki rocket is a Cosmic Warning of the Mayan Doomsday, scheduled for Dec. 21. Their big brains, however, are split on ways to prevent the Beginning of the End.

“Oh it’s easy,”  one local specialist told PNS. “Just burn the candles.” Futurologist Pat Robertson’s advice is just one word: “Run!”

Russians espace commissars have predicted that fragments from the failed Phobos-Ground probe are expected to fall to Earth around Jan. 15.

What can an ordinary person do?

“Candles, definitely lots of candles,” said S.W. 46th St. curandero Alejandro “La Luz de Jesus” Sosa.

Mas…Russki space junk crash brings Mayan Doomsday – are we screwed?

Lalo’s Pocho Ocho New Year’s resolutions

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8. Wear more slimming clothes

7. Get a new job to supplement income from five other jobs

6. Take a vacation at one of those nice FEMA camps

5. Quit drinking alcohol that doesn’t get me fucked up really fast

4. Reduce financial stress by picking up a hobby, like bank robbing, or writing a hit song

3. Start eating my 10-year supply of freeze-dried survival food

2. “Party Like It’s 2012”

And my top New Year’s Resolution for 2012:

72 dpi

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What are your New Year’s resolutions? Post them here!