debate

Attn Night Editor: Replace debate images, rewrite hed, update story

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NIGHT EDITOR! REPLACE THIS TEXT, REWRITE THE HEADLINE AND SWAP IN NEW IMAGES BEFORE WE GO LIVE.

(PNS reporting from LA FLORIDA) President Barack Obama and Governor Mitt Romney met for their final debate here tonight and blah blah bah.

The two clashed over foreign policy with Romney accusing the president of herp, derp and zoool, and Obama countering that Romney really la la la I can’t hear you.

Staged in the retiree-heavy community of Rat Mouth, where eternally-flashing left-turn signals are the law of the land and the population lives on Early Bird Specials, the debate was declared a draw by people who weren’t paying attention and a total oratorical victory for Obama by everyone else.

Boca Raton and nearby communities of Delray and Boynton Beach are fetid humid swampland still unredeemed from the biting, itching and crawling creatures that call this their natural home. The area was only chosen as the debate venue because Jerry Seinfeld’s parents live nearby and wanted to come. PAGE BREAK HERE.

Mas…Attn Night Editor: Replace debate images, rewrite hed, update story

Exclusive: Obama preps ‘zingers’ for debate with Romney (photo)

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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) Pres. Barack Obama, stung by criticism of his lackluster performance in the first debate, is hard at work prepping for tonight’s encounter with Gov. Mitt Romney. Sources tell PNS that First Lady Michelle Obama is helping out with flashcards of “zingers” and furnished this exclusive photo.

POCHO ÑEWS SERVICE PNS IS A WHOLLY-FICTITIOUS SUBSIDIARY OF POCHISMO INC., A CALIFORNIA CORPORATION, WHO IS A PERSON ACCORDING TO THE SUPREME COURT.  DON’T ASK US, WE JUST WORK HERE.

Ñewsweek: Romney rocked, America crocked, FDR shocked

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It’s Mitt Romney’s world, and we just live in it.

This ñewsweek the GOP presidential wannabe filled up POCHO’s infotainment bandwidth with debate shenanigans, Big Bird bashing, Latino-loving at Chipotle and a new commercial shot on Los Angeles’ Olvera Street.

Reaction from around the country included emergency rooms overflowing with debate drinking game alcohol poisoning cases, the previously dead Franklin Delano Roosevelt rising from grave and making a YouTube appearance, y mas mas more.

The most popular stories this week:

Mas…Ñewsweek: Romney rocked, America crocked, FDR shocked

Forget Big Bird! Meet Señor Loro, the Latino parrot candidate (video)

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From Los Titeres (the puppets): Don’t waste your vote on the phony mainstream yellow bird candidate until you consider wasting your vote on the Puppet Party’s Latino red parrot candidate — Señor Loro for Presidente! (Borderline NSFW language and a disturbing bird bigote.)

Video by Felix Pire. LosTiteresTV is on Facebook and on the Internets.

–Freelancer Junior Wences PhD writes by hand.

Don’t wait for immigration reform: PORT-A-BORDER is here! (video)

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“Comprehensive immigration reform” is like the weather — everyone talks about it but no one does anything about it. That’s why real Americans are going wild over PORT-A-BORDER, the personal hi-tech illegal immigration solution that keeps those darn Mexicans out of your personal space. (Possibly NSFW language.)

@MexicanMitt Romney: I’m prepped y ready for Debate Number Juan

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I AM TANNED, RESTED AND READY. AND MORE TANNED.

AJUA! I have been preparing all night for my debate against BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA. Tonight there will be A LOT OF JUAN ON JUAN MASTERDEBATING. I will right ALL THE LEFT-LEANING POLLS with my victory!

I will completely dominate, not LIKE A BOSS, but LIKE A CEO.  I want you to take a break from your MOOCHING and FREELOADING to watch me mop up the floor with Obama like I was one of ANN’s FEARFUL SERVANTS.

HERMAN CAIN did not work out as OBAMA DEBATE STAND-IN (all his answers were “NINE NINE NINE”) SO NOW I PRACTICE AGAINST A CARDBOARD CUTOUT OF URKEL.

Mas…@MexicanMitt Romney: I’m prepped y ready for Debate Number Juan

@MexicanMitt: Corrected subtitles for my Univision appearance

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Those vendidos at Univision‘s Espanish subtitling department are lying Cubanos and they hate Mexicans like me. That is the ONLY EXPLANATION I have for the way they translated my remarks for my Espanish-speaking friends.

Here is what I really said:

So-called transcript: But the truth is as you know my dad was born of American parents living in Mexico.

Correct subtitle: YO SER MEXI-MORMON GUERO

The immigration system, I think we all agree, is broken and it’s been a political football for years. MEXICANOS DEBER EL SELF-DEPORTO

Mas…@MexicanMitt: Corrected subtitles for my Univision appearance

Moonbase issue casts shadow on final GOP debate

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(PNS reporting from LA FLORIDA) The moon was high on the debate agenda last night as Gov. Mitt Romney and former Rep. Newt Gingrich crossed lightsabers with both candidates fighting hard to capture the crucial lunar vote.

The encounter, held at Farpoint Station Laser Tag in Orlando, was the 79th GOP debate and the last before Tuesday’s primary election.

Gingrich, his arms unfurled, set the tone by calling for the establishment of a permanent base on the moon by the year 2020. Gingrich has also set this date as a deadline for establishing a new marriage with a heretofore unexplored Mrs. Gingrich #4.

Warning that the Chinese would dominate outer space if the U.S.A. does not step up in the moonbase race, Gingrich said “Frankly, the Chinese can probably set up the first Panda Express on the moon in 30 minutes or less.”

Mas…Moonbase issue casts shadow on final GOP debate

Rick Perry: Mexi-Klingon threat could require Viet troops

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(PNS reporting from NEW ENGLAND) As president, Rick Perry “would send troops back into Vietnam,” the Texas governor declared during Saturday’s presidential debate.

Blasting Pres. Barack Obama for letting Vietnam “just sit there,” Perry (R-TX) said the area is susceptible to a light-speed invasion from Mexican Klingons and possibly people who hate Christmas.

“Look, these people have the technology. I’ve seen it. I think the idea that we allow these Mexi-Klingons to come back into Vietnam and take over that country, with all of the treasure, both in blood and money, and uhm, one other thing, oh shit…well with all that we have spent there because this president wants to kowtow to his Borg leftist base…I think it is a huge mistake,” Perry said during the debate.

Mas…Rick Perry: Mexi-Klingon threat could require Viet troops

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