With complaints about debate moderator Jim Lehrer’s stupid questions and complete lack of huevos filling the mediascape, we came up with a list of the Pocho Ocho moderators we’d like to see at the next debate:
8. Machete
7. The Wu-Tang Clan
6. Paul Mooney
5. Andrew Dice Clay
Mas…Pocho Ocho moderators we’d like to see at the next debate
I AM TANNED, RESTED AND READY. AND MORE TANNED.
AJUA! I have been preparing all night for my debate against BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA. Tonight there will be A LOT OF JUAN ON JUAN MASTERDEBATING. I will right ALL THE LEFT-LEANING POLLS with my victory!
I will completely dominate, not LIKE A BOSS, but LIKE A CEO. I want you to take a break from your MOOCHING and FREELOADING to watch me mop up the floor with Obama like I was one of ANN’s FEARFUL SERVANTS.
HERMAN CAIN did not work out as OBAMA DEBATE STAND-IN (all his answers were “NINE NINE NINE”) SO NOW I PRACTICE AGAINST A CARDBOARD CUTOUT OF URKEL.
Mas…@MexicanMitt Romney: I’m prepped y ready for Debate Number Juan
With some reports showing Gov. Mitt Romney’s support is lagging with younger voters, the candidate decided he’d join the gangnam style video parody crowd. (NSFW language.)
Gov. Mitt Romney’s campaign has released another commercial aimed at Latino voters. This one is designed for the Colorado electorate.
POCHO’s ñewsweek was all about the Mittster as the GOP wannabe wished he were a puro Latino, dissed half of America and looked mysteriously moreno on a Univision appearance.
But wait, there’s more! Sarah Silverman explained how the GOP is trying to keep you from voting, Latinas have racist vaginas, and that new monkey species discovered in Africa reminded us of…JESUS?
The links:
Mas…Ñewsweek: Romney el moreno; no photo, no voto; santo monkey
It’s not going to be easy for Gov. Mitt Romney to win Latino votes, but Esteban Colberto lays out the possible approaches
Those vendidos at Univision‘s Espanish subtitling department are lying Cubanos and they hate Mexicans like me. That is the ONLY EXPLANATION I have for the way they translated my remarks for my Espanish-speaking friends.
Here is what I really said:
So-called transcript: But the truth is as you know my dad was born of American parents living in Mexico.
Correct subtitle: YO SER MEXI-MORMON GUERO
The immigration system, I think we all agree, is broken and it’s been a political football for years. MEXICANOS DEBER EL SELF-DEPORTO
Mas…@MexicanMitt: Corrected subtitles for my Univision appearance
Mitt Romney wishes he were a Latino because it would bring him advantages he didn’t have as a rich white kid from the suburbs. On The Daily Show, POCHO Migrant Editor Al Madrigal and his minority TDS office-mate Jessica Williams explain to Jon Stewart how that works.
I say that jokingly, but it would be helpful to be Latino.
Sometimes I say the DARNDEST THINGS. As a Republican Presidential candidate with a good chance of unseating an incumbent Presidente, it is very important to watch what you say. But I keep on saying CREYSY CHET.
It’s as if I’m not aware that I am ALREADY LATINO. I am already enjoying the benefits of being MORE LATINO THAN SHOULD BE LEGALLY ALLOWED.
People really don’t realize that Mexican Mitt Romney is SOOOO LATINO. Let me help the still clueless. My PADRE was born in CHIHUAHUA on a RANCHO. (Rancho is Spanish for MORMON POLYGAMOUS COMPOUND.) His parents had Self-Deported to Mexico before the Mexican Revolution, and Self-Deported back during. Then they were on government assistance. WHOOPS, THAT WAS A PRETTY MEXICAN THING TO DO.
Randy Newman weighs in on the election with I’m Dreaming of a White President.
Here’s streaming audio and a free download:
Mas…Randy Newman: ‘I’m Dreaming of a White President’ (video, audio)
From the You Can’t Make This Shit Up Department: Gov. Willard “Mitt” Romney, Republican candidate for Presidente of the United Estates, wishes things were a little different. Would he self-deport?
Thanks to LatinoRebels.com for the tip.
POCHO has been following the campaign of Astronaut José Hernández (@Astro_Jose on Twitter) ever since GOP tools tried to block him from using the title “astronaut” in his quest to represent Northern California in Congress.
Mas…New ad: Astronaut José ‘@Astro_Jose’ Hernández for Congress (video)
The political conventions are finally over and the poll results are in: Latinos don’t really care.
How can this be!? The Democrats saw the GOP’s Rubio and raised them two Castros!
To help our political friends understand, here are the Pocho Ocho reasons Latino voters were not turned on by the conventions:
8. No piñatas crafted in the opponent’s likeness.
7. No sophisticated flamenco dance numbers performed by kindergarteners.
6. No midgets.
Mas…Pocho Ocho reasons Latinos weren’t turned on by political conventions
Is brown the new black?
That’s the question POCHO asked in a massively-popular photo essay that featured Japanese women who dress like cholas. They make ‘gang’ signs, they pose and they mad-dog the camera. Is this a good thing?
Political coverage broke most of the ñews this week as just-released-from-Twitterham-jail @MexicanMitt Romney debuted a music video and had lots to say about the Democratic Convention in Dixie, especially that Bill Clinton guey.
Here are POCHO’s big estories:
Mas…Ñewsweek: Japanese cholas, @MexicanMitt sings, DNC delirium
COMO CHINGA ESE OBAMA.
If this Democratic convention was the FIESTA, then this yobs report is the CRUDA!
There is no bowl of menudo big enough to cure the mess that Barack Obama has failed to clean up after the frat boy party thrown by George W. Bush. Whoops, never mind that I mentioned what’s-his-face.
Even Julian Castro’s Menudo Cook-Off-winning abuela could not boil enough pansa for Americans to stomach four more years of Marxist Socialist Communism Veganism. I have no facts to back that up, but GUATEVER. I don’t need facts, I AM A RICH DUDE.
As for the actual Democrap convention, here’s my review:
Former President Bill Clinton’s speech Wednesday to the Democratic Convention was long (48 minutes), complex and filled with facts and arithmetic — maybe too long and filled, although girth is as important as length according to the email we get here.
As a public service, therefore, and sanitized for your protection, we present the Pocho Ocho best lines from Clinton’s speech to the DNC:
8. In Hope, Arkansas, offshore banking deposits are at that glory hole down by Stonewall Creek.
7. Republican arithmetic makes as much sense to this old country boy as those Chinese hookers in Harlem!
6. Sandra Fluke: Call me maybe.
Mas…Bill Clinton’s Pocho Ocho best lines in his speech to the DNC
Well, that wasn’t a very good espeech.
Ex-Presidente BILL CLINTON spoke to the Democratic National Convention last night before heading out to a night of debauchery and cheeseburgers in Charlotte.
Sure, you might say he delivered a good defense of Barack Obama’s awful Presidency. But he filled the whole long rant with PINCHE BORING FACTS and even ARITHMETIC!
If you watch Fox News or listen to my man Rush, you know that facts will not get in my GUEY. You know that OBAMA IS THE MOST DIVISIVE PRESIDENT OF ALL TIME BECAUSE HE HAS DIVIDED THE RACISTS FROM THE NON-RACISTS.
Mas…@MexicanMitt on Bill Clinton: Well, that wasn’t a very good espeech
Bring back the world the way it was! Vote Dinosaur in 2012.
What, you may axe, distinguishes the Republican and Democratic parties?
Here’s our list of the the Pocho Ocho top differences:
8. GOP: Ted Nugent; Dems: Ted Nguyen
7. GOP: Hands off my guns; Dems: Hands off my vagina
6. GOP: “Boy the way Glenn Miller played”; Dems: “I’ll be there for you”
Mas…Pocho Ocho top differences between Republicans and Democrats
What happens in Tampa doesn’t stay in Tampa.
Mexican Mitt Romney wrote this estatement when he was incarcerated in the Twitterham City Jail.
LETTER FROM A TWITTERHAM JAIL
31 August 2012
My Dear Fellow Twitter Fans:
While confined here in the Twitterham City Jail, I came across your recent statement calling my present activities "unwise and untimely."
Seldom do I pause to answer criticism of my work and ideas.
If I sought to answer all the criticisms that cross my desk, my secretaries would have little time for anything other than such correspondence in the course of the day, and I would have no time for constructive work.
But since I feel that you are men of genuine good will and that your criticisms are sincerely set forth, I want to try to answer your statement in what I hope will be patient and reasonable terms.
Twitter suspended my account for violating the terms outlined in its Parody Account guidelines.
Apparently, someone was misled by my account, which portrays Mitt Romney as a cartoonish Mexican ranchero. This indicates that this person was an estupido idiota pendejo, meaning he is a Republican voter.
I call them my base. Ajua.
Mas...MexicanMitt’s ‘Letter from a Twitterham Jail:’ I have been paroled
Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to announce that I am running for President of the United States of America!
All my life, I’ve been told I could never be president — not because I’m a woman (PMS = Global Thermonuclear War) or a high-functioning alcoholic (um, hi, Grant, Taft, FDR, JFK, George Dubya…) but because I was not born in the United States.
However, the birther movement has changed all that. If Barack Hussein Obama was able to overcome the bureaucratic spaghetti goop monster that is immigration and fake his citizenship, so can I.
Mas…I’m running for President because I believe in America and I’m white
[Editor’s Note: After a sleepless, tormented night in Twitter jail, MexicanMitt awoke to find his account un-suspended and his list of followers and followees restored. He has thanked all his supporters and promises an update for you people as soon as possible. He’s running for office for Pete’s sake!]
Has the wildly popular and hilarious Twitter parody account @MexicanMitt self-deported? That’s what many of his fans and followers are asking on Twitter tonight.
Complicating the anger and disbelief at the scuttling of the Mexican Mitt Romney account is the timing: The night of actual Mitt Romney’s big RNC speech, an event at which @MexicanMitt was prepared to “live tweet.”
Mexican Mitt has been named as the Number One funniest parody political account on Twitter by Politico, and has been lauded by several sites and countless Twitter users and journalists, and even mentioned by Rachel Maddow on MSNBC and the L.A. Times.
Mitt Romney’s Mexican alter ego no doubt has pissed off somebody very important, or has been the victim of a coordinated reverse-spam complaint attack from humorless right wingers. Or worse.
Besides pointing out the convenient timing on the eve of the RNC speech, there’s the appearance of a new, promoted Mitt Romney campaign Twitter topic. Hmm.
Twitter has yet to respond to numerous press inquiries, including from our friends at LatinoRebels and at NBC Latino.
Mas…Who killed @MexicanMitt Romney’s Twitter account? And why?
This 1982-vintage video shows Mitt Romney — attached to a lie detector machine — at press conference. There is nothing new under the sun.
Of the people, by the people and for the people — except those people?
Endless speeches, stupid roll calls and pointless posturing can make national political convention watching a boring exercise — that’s why you need to play games along with the pinche politicians.
Mira! The Republican National Convention Drinking Game, sponsored by Arpaio Viejo™ Tequila.
Keep your eyes on the screen, stay alert and react swiftly! Life is chort!
Mas…RNC Drinking Game: Turn lame to LOLs with Arpaio Viejo™ Tequila
When GOP nominee wannabe Mitt Romney visited El Palacio de los Jugos in Miami earlier this month, he was greeted by the owner, a convicted Koch coke dealer, and an excited, vocal crowd. Angel Reyes was there and shot this video.
There’s going to be hot time in Tampa Bay next week when the GOP National Convention rolls into town. Republicans, who like to be seen as “job creators,” are expected to stimulate a long and thick boost in business for area gay prostitutes, and the hookers are looking forward to handling the hanging chads of closeted delegates. (Totally NSFW language.)
