election

Pocho Ocho key provisions of Republican ‘Dream Act Lite’

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They got a serious ass-whupping and they know it, so Republican “moderates” are crafting a “Dream Act Lite” to try to bridge the gap with Latinos.

Here are their Pocho Ocho key provisions:

8. Replace old slogan “No wet backs, no wet dreams” with something more encouraging.
7. Military service need not be completed to achieve citizenship if you are killed in line of duty.
6. You dropped some “anchor babies”? Can you sing “In the Navy”? We thought you could.

Mas…Pocho Ocho key provisions of Republican ‘Dream Act Lite’

Pocho Ocho Cyber Lunes gift tips are just a clika guey

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As long as the boss isn’t looking, today is the day when pochos all over America go holiday gift shopping on the Internets. If you’re not shopping at Lalo Alcaraz’s place, these Pocho Ocho gift tips (with links) will turn your Cyber Lunes from Mission Impossible to Cyber Espace Mission Accomplished:

8. Santa’s Helpers are cool, sure, but so last year! Nalgas Helpers are bringing sexy back (and backs) with their American-made line of butt thong bar stools. When the clear view is the rear view, click on over to order the furniture that will make your family room the “Best of Barrio” for 2012!

Mas…Pocho Ocho Cyber Lunes gift tips are just a clika guey

Pleased as ponche, Tres Flores triplets give company to workers

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(PNS reporting from ALTADENA) Pleased with the reelection of the President, thrilled to provide Obamacare for their employees and acknowledging their loyal workers built a small family firm into a billion-dollar corporation, the three siblings who own the Tres Flores Corporation are giving their company to their staff.

Abelardo, Bernardo and Chichi Flor — 83-year-old triplets who gave Tres Flores their name — started bottling home-made hair oil in a garage in this L.A. suburb over 50 years ago. Tres Flores is now a worldwide operation that employes 600 people and has facilities in Southern California, Louisiana and New Jersey.

“We’re retiring and we don’t have any heirs,” oldest triplet Abelardo (born 20 minutes before brother Bernardo) told a press conference this morning. “We’ve been approached to sell the firm, but we couldn’t think of anyone better to run it than the folks who have been with us all these years.”

“Shaddap, Lardo,” Bernardo responded. “I would have an heir if you hadn’t scared away Selena Valderrama with that Migra Maus costume on Halloween in 1974!”

Mas…Pleased as ponche, Tres Flores triplets give company to workers

Pocho Ocho ‘gifts’ Democrats gave Latinos to vote for Obama

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Loser and liar Willard “Mitt” Romney finally got something correct! The overwhelming Latino margin for President Bronco Bama was entirely due to “gifts” the Democrats used as bribes. Here are the top eight:

8. Taco Tuesdays covered by Obamacare
7. Rick Bayless gets full-time gig with Food and Drug Administration (Drug Division)
6. New “path to citizenship:” SuperLotto

Mas…Pocho Ocho ‘gifts’ Democrats gave Latinos to vote for Obama

Florida secedes from the union, no one seems to care very much

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(PNS reporting from LA FLORIDA) In a shocking post-election development, the state formerly known as Florida will no longer be a part of the United States of America. After gaining the required 25,000 petition signatures needed to elicit a response from the White House, Florida has been granted permission to secede from the U.S.

When asked why he was so swift to let the Sunshine State go, President Bronco Bama was concise:

Because fuck Florida.

As the dust settled in the wake of the President’s decisive re-election, the White House “We the People” website has been flooded by a series of secession requests from conservative crybabies from New Jersey to Oregon.

Mas…Florida secedes from the union, no one seems to care very much

Contagious Latinophilia hits U.S.; Boehner, Hannity, Arpaio infected

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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) Public health officials are concerned about contagious Latinophilia that has spread with breathtaking speed across America since Bronco Bama’s reelection last week.

Former anti-Latino pundits and politicians who for years went out of their way to make life miserable for Latinos are now succumbing to what scientists believe may be a viral condition.

“Almost immediately after the election — which may have been decided by the massive Latino vote — reports began flooding our offices,” Robert McLean, Director of Public Health Outbreaks at the Centers for Disease Control in Washington, D.C. said this morning at a press conference.

“All across the nation an increasing number of white men have expressed a new need to reach out to Latinos,” he said.

Mas…Contagious Latinophilia hits U.S.; Boehner, Hannity, Arpaio infected

@MexicanMitt Romney tells all in first post-defeat interview (audio)

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@MexicanMitt Romney phoned public radio station KUNM in New Mexico Monday night for his first post-election interview. The Twitter Idol liberally assigned blame for his defeat by Bronco Bama, reminisced about the fireworks he planned to set off had he juan and revealed he’s still on the lookout for his missing running mate Pollo Ryan. Here’s the interview from the program RAICES.

Ñewsweek: Bronco Bama reelected, @MexicanMitt Romney concedes

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President Bronco Bama was reelected this week despite the valiant campaign mounted by Juan Percenter @MexicanMitt Romney; the Mexi-Mormon challenger released a last-minute campaign espeech and animated music video which were very popular on POCHO but apparently didn’t help in Ohio, Florida and Pennsylvania.

POCHO’s ñews-breaking coverage included toons by Jefe-in-Chief Lalo Alcaraz, election recaps and a look at what’s up next for the former first lady in waiting Ann Romney.

Cable TV star Don Cheto make a video Gangnam Style and a huge OVNI/UFO was filmed flying down into Mexico’s Popocatapetl volcano.

The links are here:

Mas…Ñewsweek: Bronco Bama reelected, @MexicanMitt Romney concedes

Politics at the airport: It’s true – I’m a Latina and I do want stuff

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I am on my way to Los Angeles.

My baby brother is getting married. It is going to take me close to 12 hours to get to him, courtesy of the latest storm to hit the North East, Athena.

In order to get to LA, I am having to travel from Newark to Charlotte, NC to Phoenix before landing in LA. It dawned on me, as we landed in North Carolina, that I was landing in a “red state” – something that I am only keenly aware of because of the recent presidential election – the results of which have left some people feeling raw. I digested this reality for a moment and looked forward to the almost three-hour layover here.

It’s incredible to casually people watch, something I love to do when I travel, because on the surface, we all look the same, and in airports especially, we all have similar goals – to get somewhere. Nothing much separates us from one another here.

I opened up my laptop and started to enjoy the free Wifi offered at the Charlotte Davidson International Airport. Two men sat next to me. Southern accent – which I often find endearing – enthusiastically talking about car racing. Conversation started about the most recent race one of them competed in, an upcoming three-week visit to Florida for another race, their team, their sponsors…I soon got lost in work and Twitter.

Then it happened:

Mas…Politics at the airport: It’s true – I’m a Latina and I do want stuff

@MexicanMitt Romney’s final concession espeech [complete text]

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[EDITOR’S NOTE: @MexicanMitt Romney, the Twitter sensation, has graced us with the complete text of his concession speech upon losing to President Barack Obama. Enjoy this heart-wrenching espeech, gueyes.]

AJUA!

GREETINGS MY GUEYES!

I HAVE CALLED BLACK REAGAN AND CONCEDED THAT HE CHEATED BETTER THAN I DID. SHOUT OUT to his wife and her sister-wives.

I WANT TO THANK my running mate POLLO RYAN FOR NADA, NALGAS, EL ZILCHO.

We didn’t win his home estate of Wisconsin. He couldn’t even get us the Munsters vote, ESMALL AS THAT IS.

IF ANYONE knows where he has been for the last three weeks, PLEASE LET ME KNOW.

Mas…@MexicanMitt Romney’s final concession espeech [complete text]

Loser Mitt Romney has the sad: He’s unemployed and part of 47%

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(PNS reporting from BOSTON) Mitt Romney woke up a broken man Wednesday morning and experienced something unimaginable: He had become part of the 47%.

“I never thought this would happen to me; my whole life has been turned upside-down,” he told PNS.

A moping Romney emerged from his down-quilted bed and silk sheets at about 7AM and wandered down to breakfast where his staff had  prepared  farm-raised, hand-fed chicken eggs with organic arugula imported from South America and water imported from France. And then he made the call he had been dreading — a call to his chauffeur, Carlos Peres.

Dejected Romney then began one of the hardest car rides in the back of a custom-made limousine of his life: to the nearest office of Massachusetts’ Department of Unemployment Assistance.

Mas…Loser Mitt Romney has the sad: He’s unemployed and part of 47%

Mexican Mitt’s Last Espeech: I’m in it to guin it, by any beans necessary

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MY FINAL ESPEECH TO THE NATION BEFORE I RULE OVER IT

AJUA!

Viejas and Gentlemen, voters, suppressed voters, this is my final espeech to you before I win the election tomorrow for the Presidency of the United Estates. This is the most important Presidential election of your lifetime, if you were born this year.

I know, you are RELIEVED that this long national nightmare will be finally over. I, too, am sick of the ads, the constant campaigning, having to look at my running mate what’s-his-face, but especially I am sick of Bronco Bamma.

But enough about Black Reagan. Or the country. You all want to know how this affects ME, Mexican Mitt Romney. Campaigning is hard. It’s almost like a yob, which I have not held in a long time. Despite waking up in various strange hotels with Mormon wood every day, I still miss my 14 RANCHOS. (For the language-impaired, “rancho” is Spanish for “polygamous Mormon compound.”)

Mas…Mexican Mitt’s Last Espeech: I’m in it to guin it, by any beans necessary

Ñewsweek: Halloween, Day of the Dead, Chavo del Ocho Style

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Ghosts and skeletons and ghouls that go bump in the night?

It was a spooky ñewsweek at POCHO — the most popular entries on the site were not the newsiest.

Pochos liked this week’s entries about Halloween, Chavo del Ocho Gangnam Style, The Simpsons‘ Mr. Burns’ endorsement of Gov. Mitt Romney  and Lalo Alcaraz’s Sandy toon.

Los links:

Mas…Ñewsweek: Halloween, Day of the Dead, Chavo del Ocho Style

Tio Sam’s War Department presents ‘Tuesday In November’ (video)

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Tuesday In November (1945, directed by John Houseman 16:54)

NARRATOR: It is early morning of the first Tuesday in November. This is an American city. A city that is not very large, not very rich, not very old. It is situated in the western part of the United States, in California. Its name is Riverton. The woman in the car is Mrs. Dawson, one of Riverton’s 15,000 residents. She is principal of Public School No. 2, but today there will be no classes held here. For this is Election Day.

Tuesday In November is a film in simple language made primarily for overseas audiences, many of whom did not enjoy the right to elect their own governments.

Mas…Tio Sam’s War Department presents ‘Tuesday In November’ (video)

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