gop

Obama says ‘F★ck it’ in tricky bid for GOP immigration reform votes

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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) President Barack Obama gave up his efforts to pass comprehensive immigration reform this week, informing Republican leaders that he didn’t care about reform anymore.

“Fuck it!” Obama reportedly told Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) in a conference call Tuesday.

“I don’t care about reform anymore, are you happy? Don’t pass it, see if I fuckin’ care!”

Washington insiders say that the president’s sudden change of heart on immigration has less to do with his actual desire to see reform pass and more to do with tactical consderations. Every time the president wants to pass legislation, Republicans balk — so if he doesn’t want to pass immigration reform, the thinking goes, conservatives will play along.

Mas…Obama says ‘F★ck it’ in tricky bid for GOP immigration reform votes

Pocho Ocho Republican things you didn’t know were in The Bible

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It’s in the Jewy Old Testament, written from right to left in Leviticus, Chapter 19, Verses 33-34, where God tells Moses (photo, left):

If a stranger sojourn with thee in your land, ye shall not do him wrong. The stranger that sojourneth with you shall be unto you as the home-born among you, and thou shalt love him as thyself; for ye were strangers in the land of Egypt.

God-fearing Christian Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-AL) sure as Hell doesn’t think that means making nice to undocumented immigrants and he was quite happy to tell evangelical so-called Christian pro-reform advocates that he knows The Bible better than they do.

“I think this idea that somehow love, statements in Leviticus 19, is not the kind of thing that would indicate that we shouldn’t have laws,” Sessions mansplained. “Some people have been citing the Scripture, I think, pretty loosely,” he added.

Mas…Pocho Ocho Republican things you didn’t know were in The Bible

Hey, wetbacks! Meet Rep. Don Young (R-AK) [audio]

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Meet Congressman Don Young, a Republican from Alaska, who just called agricultural laborers who once worked on his father’s ranch “wetbacks.”

In a radio interview Thursday with KRDB this fine American legislator was full of the kind of wisdom that has inspired the deep thoughts of his homegirl, Sarah Palin, and assorted white power NRA-voting posses, militias and tea parties across the U.S. of A.

A three-second clip is at the bottom of this story. Play it here or download it and make it into a ring tone, or an auto-tuned viral meme! Thanks to KRDB for the audio. Oh, and here are the phone numbers for all the Congressman’s offices.

Mas…Hey, wetbacks! Meet Rep. Don Young (R-AK)

GOP marks ‘Decade of the Dominican’ after immigrant’s Powerball win

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(PNS reporting from NEW YERSEY) Literally hours after Dominican immigrant Pedro Quezada won the $338 million New Jersey Powerball jackpot Saturday, the Republican Party announced that the years 2013-2023 will be known as the Decade of the Dominican.

The news was met with universal cynicism, and is seen as the latest in a series of floundering attempts by the party to attract new minority members to its ranks.

“We are really thrilled for Mr. Quezada, as this is the first time in years a Dominican in New Jersey has raised his hands over his head without being surrounded by police,” said African-American GOP spokesman Sam Beau.

“Plus, the fact that he is named ‘Pedro’ makes it easier for us to remember his name.”

Mas…GOP marks ‘Decade of the Dominican’ after immigrant’s Powerball win

Pocho Ocho top ways to tell Spring has esprung

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Spring began at 7:02 EDT this morning as the Northern Hemisphere marked the Vernal Equinox. But if you’re not looking at a calendar, how would you know? Here are the pocho ocho best ways to tell that Spring has sprung:

8. Muslim Brotherhood now wears sundresses to Arab Spring protests and violent crackdowns

7. Hunger-striking Guantanamo Bay prisoners are working on their tans

6. Jan Brewer goes wild in Baja with the sorority sisters of Kappa Kappa Kappa

Mas…Pocho Ocho top ways to tell Spring has esprung

Rand Paul: Don’t call my plan ‘Pathway to Citizenship’

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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) Master flip-flopper Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) now supports allowing undocumented immigrants to remain in the United States, receive legal status and eventually apply to become citizens, just so long as he can call them “chili-choking pepper bellies” and they provide lawn service to his friends and family.

But Paul said he would rather not use the term “pathway to citizenship” because it makes him feel “soft” and he feels he should be “hard.” On immigration.

“I think we’re trapped. I mean, I hate these goddamn people. They disgust me and make me my and my dad’s skin crawl. And believe me, it takes a lot to make that bastard’s skin crawl. I’d like nothing more them to send them to the frickin’ moon but the immigration debate has been trapped and it’s been polarized by two terms: ‘path to citizenship’ and ‘amnesty,'” Rand told reporters on a conference call Tuesday.

Mas…Rand Paul: Don’t call my plan ‘Pathway to Citizenship’

GOP to spend $10 million further alienating minorities

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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) Reeling from back-to-back presidential losses and struggling to cope with the country’s changing racial and ethnic makeup, the Republican National Committee plans to spend $10 million this year to send hundreds of party workers in white sheets into Hispanic communities to promote its brand.

With Operation Wetback 2016, the committee hopes putting a fresh face on the same old racism will help them net more Hispanic voters.

“Hispanics are so lazy and slow-witted that they won’t be able to do the deep investigation required to see that our effort is a complete and utter sham,” GOP committee head Reince Priebus declared on Meet the Press. “We won’t change any of our hateful and xenophobic policies, but we will definitely alter our marketing pitches to this unambitious, burrito-brained demographic.”

Mas…GOP to spend $10 million further alienating minorities

PNS*Hot*Flash: Sequestration Proclamation frees the ‘Pedroes’

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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, DC) President Barack Obama today issued a “Sequestration Proclamation,” which authorizes the freeing of an additional 300 undocumented immigrants from detention centers around the country in advance of looming budget cuts.

While Republicans claimed the freeing of these so-called “Pedroes” would lead to the total collapse of the U.S. economy, the only immediate impact has been the creation of 900 new jobs.

Obama is being hailed as “The Great Sequestrator” by Latinos around the country, and Obama-themed corridos are already staples on Mexican radio.

Mas…PNS*Hot*Flash: Sequestration Proclamation frees the ‘Pedroes’

Arizona ‘pro-life’ bill promises a gun for every unborn child

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(PNS reporting from TUCSON) Arizona Republicans today proposed new legislation aimed at reducing the number of abortions performed in the state.

Although Arizona already has some of the country’s most extreme restrictions on abortion, State Rep. Kimberly Yee (R-Maricopa), sponsor of House Bill HB1069, says the Hate State still doesn’t fully protect “unborn children.”

“As Republicans, we understand that redefining a fetus as a person will not stop it from being killed. Only one thing stops unlawful killing, and that’s concealed carry. With this in mind, the new law mandates every unborn person in Arizona will be issued his or her own handgun,” she told the mostly-empty legislative chamber.

Mas…Arizona ‘pro-life’ bill promises a gun for every unborn child

Mexclusive: Pocho Ocho steps on the GOP’s ‘Path to Citizenship’

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The Republican Party has jumped on the immigration reform bandwagon with their own “Path to Citizenship” proposals. Here are the GOP’s pocho ocho ways undocumented residents can get legal:

8. Mow Mitt Romney’s lawn
7. Pose for publicity photo with AZ Gov. Jan Brewja
6. Pretend you’re “Hispanic” for the CIA

Mas…Mexclusive: Pocho Ocho steps on the GOP’s ‘Path to Citizenship’

PNS*Hot*Flash: GOP aims to cut ‘uppity’ February to 26 days

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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) This just in: Republican House Majority Leader Eric Cantor has introduced a bill to shorten February to 26 days. Cantor says February is getting too “uppity” and two of its days should be given to April, which he claims is being discriminated against as “the cruellest month,” because it features the observance of “Confederate History Month” and “Patriots Day.”  The bill also aims to cancel leap years, just to be a dick.

Mas…PNS*Hot*Flash: GOP aims to cut ‘uppity’ February to 26 days

Al Madrigal, Jon Stewart: Big trouble in GOP His Panic Room (video)

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Will a Republican shift on immigration help them with Hispanic voters? The Daily Show’s Senior Latino Correspondent Al Madrigal is in Jon Stewart’s His Panic Room as they explore the GOP’s Nuevo Deal. Jessica Williams sneaks in to assist. DISCLOSURE: Madrigal is also POCHO’s Migrant Editor.

From the ‘new’ GOP: Pocho Ocho things we shouldn’t say to Latinos

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GOP leaders are undergoing sensitivity training as they re-evaluate immigration reform. Too often, insiders say, Republicans’ choice of words has hidden their true love for Latinos.

“Tone and rhetoric will be key,” is the message from Jennifer Korn, executive director of the Hispanic Leadership Network.  Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FLA), who chairs the GOP’s Vendido Caucus, champions “a kinder, gentler racism.”

Top Republicans will receive a list of phrases that should never, ever be used when discussing immigration reform. Here are the pocho ocho things NEVER to say:

8. Git’ back in your beaner-mobile!
7. Speak inglish you ‘ignant brownie.
6. We ain’t need no anchor babies.

Mas…From the ‘new’ GOP: Pocho Ocho things we shouldn’t say to Latinos

Year in Review: The lonely, fading star of Texas Gov. Rick Perry

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The stars at night are big and bright, deep in the heart of Texas. Except, of course, when Gov. Rick Perry (photo, right) is involved.

The one-time GOP nominee wannabe Perry is so underwhelming that when he walks into a room, it seems as if someone just left.

Rick Perry is so stupid he peels M&M’s to make chocolate chip cookies. Rick Perry is so stupid he went to the dentist for Bluetooth. Rick Perry is so stupid he forgot his own talking points in a Republican presidential debate.

Think about it: Republican voters in the primaries liked Rick Perry even LESS than Mitt Romney.

But enough about Rick Perry. What about MY needs?

Mas…Year in Review: The lonely, fading star of Texas Gov. Rick Perry

Marry a citizen, become a citizen at PendejoMatch.com (video)

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Sen. John Kyl, a Republican (surprise surprise!) from the Hate State of Arizona, is pleased to announce his online dating site for the young, undocumented and desperate.

Marry a citizen, become a citizen!

It’s just that easy with the “quick path to citizenship” from PendejoMatch.com.

Try Pendejo Match for free for 30 days or your money back! Just looking for love? Our sister site MojadoMingle.com is the place for you. Or maybe GueyDate.net.

Pocho Ocho key provisions of Republican ‘Dream Act Lite’

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They got a serious ass-whupping and they know it, so Republican “moderates” are crafting a “Dream Act Lite” to try to bridge the gap with Latinos.

Here are their Pocho Ocho key provisions:

8. Replace old slogan “No wet backs, no wet dreams” with something more encouraging.
7. Military service need not be completed to achieve citizenship if you are killed in line of duty.
6. You dropped some “anchor babies”? Can you sing “In the Navy”? We thought you could.

Mas…Pocho Ocho key provisions of Republican ‘Dream Act Lite’

Pocho Ocho Cyber Lunes gift tips are just a clika guey

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As long as the boss isn’t looking, today is the day when pochos all over America go holiday gift shopping on the Internets. If you’re not shopping at Lalo Alcaraz’s place, these Pocho Ocho gift tips (with links) will turn your Cyber Lunes from Mission Impossible to Cyber Espace Mission Accomplished:

8. Santa’s Helpers are cool, sure, but so last year! Nalgas Helpers are bringing sexy back (and backs) with their American-made line of butt thong bar stools. When the clear view is the rear view, click on over to order the furniture that will make your family room the “Best of Barrio” for 2012!

Mas…Pocho Ocho Cyber Lunes gift tips are just a clika guey

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