gop

I’m running for President because I believe in America and I’m white

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Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to announce that I am running for President of the United States of America!

All my life, I’ve been told I could never be president — not because I’m a woman (PMS = Global Thermonuclear War) or a high-functioning alcoholic (um, hi, Grant, Taft, FDR, JFK, George Dubya…) but because I was not born in the United States.

However, the birther movement has changed all that. If Barack Hussein Obama was able to overcome the bureaucratic spaghetti goop monster that is immigration and fake his citizenship, so can I.

Mas…I’m running for President because I believe in America and I’m white

Who killed @MexicanMitt Romney’s Twitter account? And why?

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[Editor’s Note: After a sleepless, tormented night in Twitter jail, MexicanMitt awoke to find his account un-suspended and his list of followers and followees restored. He has thanked all his supporters and promises an update for you people as soon as possible. He’s running for office for Pete’s sake!]

Has the wildly popular and hilarious Twitter parody account @MexicanMitt self-deported? That’s what many of his fans and followers are asking on Twitter tonight.

Complicating the anger and disbelief at the scuttling of the Mexican Mitt Romney account is the timing: The night of actual Mitt Romney’s big RNC speech, an event at which @MexicanMitt was prepared to “live tweet.”

Mexican Mitt has been named as the Number One funniest parody political account on Twitter by Politico, and has been lauded by several sites and countless Twitter users and journalists, and even mentioned by Rachel Maddow on MSNBC and the L.A. Times.

Mitt Romney’s Mexican alter ego no doubt has pissed off somebody very important, or has been the victim of a coordinated reverse-spam complaint attack from humorless right wingers. Or worse.

Besides pointing out the convenient timing on the eve of the RNC speech, there’s the appearance of a new, promoted  Mitt Romney campaign Twitter topic. Hmm.

Twitter has yet to respond to numerous press inquiries, including from our friends at LatinoRebels and at NBC Latino.

Mas…Who killed @MexicanMitt Romney’s Twitter account? And why?

RNC’s Tampa: One of the top three U.S. cities for strip clubs (audio)

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Tampa,  writer Michael Connelly tells To the Point’s Warren Olney,  has more steak houses, churches and strip clubs per capita than any other city in America.  It’s also a Top Three Destination in the strippers’ circuit Golden Triangle of Los Angeles, Tampa and New York.

(KCRW H/T LAObserved.com)

RNC Drinking Game: Turn lame to LOLs with Arpaio Viejo™ Tequila

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Endless speeches, stupid roll calls and pointless posturing can make national political convention watching a boring exercise — that’s why you need to play games along with the pinche politicians.

Mira! The Republican National Convention Drinking Game, sponsored by Arpaio Viejo™ Tequila.

Keep your eyes on the screen, stay alert and react swiftly! Life is chort!

Mas…RNC Drinking Game: Turn lame to LOLs with Arpaio Viejo™ Tequila

Pat Robertson: Tropical storm is God’s warning to Godless God-mockers

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(PNS reporting from VIRGINIA) Rev. Pat Robertson told viewers of his 700 Club last night that Tropical Storm Isaac’s assault on the GOP National Convention in Florida is a warning to sinners.

“You goddam shit-for-brains idiots better pay some goddam attention or our Lord and Savior is gonna whip your sorry asses,” Robertson said. “Do you douchebags really think Our Father Who Art In Heaven will let you get away with this shit?”

“Jesus is cheesed the fuck off!” he told the estimated one million viewers of his Christian Broadcasting Network religious talk show. “Our glorious vengeful God is as angry as a hornet in a henhouse. He’s up in Heaven high, saying, ‘You little pussies, you don’t hate the homos enough! You let ’em get married ‘n’ shit? You are slacking off. I will now drown you. Enjoy the flood, mothafuckas!'”

“I’m talking to you, bitches!” he added.

Mas…Pat Robertson: Tropical storm is God’s warning to Godless God-mockers

SNL’s Amy Poehler champions the rights of domestic workers (video)

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Funny former Saturday Night Live comedian Amy Poehler is down for Domestic Workers, and comes clean on something not many in the U.S. will admit:

She could not be the busy actress and mom that she is without her hard-working domestic help.

Poehler’s Public Service Announcement (PSA) is a call to action to petition to California Gov. Jerry Brown get him to sign the California Domestic Worker Bill of Rights. Our moms and tias and abuelas have worked hard for years and deserve humane and equitable treatment afforded to others.

You can support the California Domestic Worker Bill of Rights by calling your state senator and Gov. Brown (916-445-2841) today. To learn mas, please visit www.domesticworkers.org.

Mas…SNL’s Amy Poehler champions the rights of domestic workers (video)

Tampa’s gay hookers ready for Republican Convention (NSFW video)

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There’s going to be hot time in Tampa Bay next week when the GOP National Convention rolls into town. Republicans, who like to be seen as “job creators,” are expected to stimulate a long and thick boost in business for area gay prostitutes, and the hookers are looking forward to handling the hanging chads of closeted delegates. (Totally NSFW language.)

Pocho Ocho best definitions in the new ‘Republican Dictionary’

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Hoping to capitalize on the enormous groundswell of support they’ve generated with their new definitions of life, marriage and assault weapons, the GOP braintrust is planning to premiere a Republican Dictionary at next week’s convention in Tampa, FLA.

We got a brief peek at a draft (the “rape” definition was leaked Monday); check out the Pocho Ocho best definitions:

8. Rape: When a man loves a woman
7. Voting: What white people get to do
6. Minorities: Three-fifths of a person

Mas…Pocho Ocho best definitions in the new ‘Republican Dictionary’

GOP’s Akin to release childrens’ book on babies

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(PNS reporting from MISSOURI) Rep. (and Senatorial hopeful) Todd Akin (R-MO) intends to write and publish a children’s book that explains to kids how babies are made, according to his staff.

The colorful How Non-Forcible Rape Babies Are Made explains Akin’s understanding of how the human reproductive system works in clear, simple language and bright illustrations especially written for Tea Party Republican voters who approve of his recent comments on rape and pregnancy.

The touchy subject is elucidated in loving and religious detail:

When a rapist loves a mommy, Jesus reaches down from heaven and touches the mommy’s tummy and the miracle of life is created. The end.

Mas…GOP’s Akin to release childrens’ book on babies

Paul Ryan’s Pocho Ocho favorite bands besides RATM

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Now that we know that GOP VP pick Paul “Unclear on the Details” Ryan loves anti-establishment (and anti-Ryan) L.A. pocho punk band Rage Against the Machine, we thought we’d check out what else is on his playlist.

Here are the Pocho Ocho most-played bands on the pendejo’s iPod:

8. Johnny Rebel
7. The Michelle Bachmann Corndog Quartet
6. Das Racist

Mas…Paul Ryan’s Pocho Ocho favorite bands besides RATM

GOP VP pick Paul Ryan is the ‘machine’ that RATM rages against

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Tom Morello is a meanie who makes Paul Ryan cry.

The powerful guitarist of Rage Against the Machine has blasted a thunderous riff on Mitt Romney’s running mate, Paul Ryan.

Ryan, in a typical blockheaded, know-nothing right wing move, has declared that the left wing, bomb-throwing, anti-establishment rock group (fronted by fellow pocho Zach de La Rocha) is his favorite band. Talk about not paying attention to details! (It must be hard to think when he works out with P90X to the powerful guitar rock rolas.)

Maybe this is why Ryan is painfully oblivious to the suffering going on in the U.S. when the uber wealthy continue to hoard all the money and leave the rest of us to scrape by.

Could be why he thinks giving tax cuts to the 1% and making the rest of us pay for it is a Christian act?

No wonder he does not flinch when people call him a “zombie-eyed Granny starver.” Maybe it’s not that he doesn’t care — maybe he has no pinche idea what is going on around him. Either way, it’s not exactly the kind of leadership the U.S. needs right now.

Mas…GOP VP pick Paul Ryan is the ‘machine’ that RATM rages against

Farmworker releases tax returns and asks ‘Where are Romney’s?’

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(PNS reporting from EL PASO) Early this morning, area farmworker Celestino Sepúlveda made five years of his tax returns public.

Holding faded copies of his 1040EZ from tax years 2007 to 2011, Sepúlveda told reporters, “Quiero ser un ejemplo para Romney” (I want to be an example for Romney) by publicly revealing his Federal returns.

At a press conference  held at 3AM scheduled to accommodate his need to obtain agricultural day work from farm labor contractors, who start recruiting at 3:30, Sepúlveda explained.

“I have nothing to hide about the way I earn my money, because I earned it through honest work,” said the 37-year-old native of Jalpa, Zacatecas, standing with several other farmworkers on the corner of Paisano and Oregon Streets. (A family photo, above, shows him harvesting cucumbers.)

Fellow farmworker Pepe Martínez agreed. “Sí, una persona humilde como mi compadre lo hizo, ¿porqué no El Romney?”

Mas…Farmworker releases tax returns and asks ‘Where are Romney’s?’

Breaking Ñews: GOP VP pick Paul Ryan reveals his new budget plan

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(PNS reporting from KANSAS CITY) GOP Vice Presidential candidate Rep. Paul Ryan, R-Wis., is introducing his budget plan to voters today and POCHO is on the scene as he begins his press conference (photo, above.)

  • Check back with POCHO for updates — we break the ñews 24/7.
POCHO ÑEWS SERVICE PNS IS A WHOLLY-FICTITIOUS SUBSIDIARY OF POCHISMO, INC., A CALIFORNIA CORPORATION, WHO IS A PERSON ACCORDING TO THE SUPREME COURT. DON’T ASK US, WE JUST WORK HERE.

Joe the Plumber: Shoot the damn Canucks and ask questions later!

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(PNS reporting from the HATE STATE OF ARIZONA) Samuel Wurzelbacher – known to most Americans as simply “Joe the Plumber” or “dumbass” – made an recent appearance at a fundraiser for Republican Arizona State Senator candidate Lori Klein and shocked the audience by telling them that the way to solve the country’s illegal Canadian immigration problem is to station troops along the northern border and have them “start shooting the damn snowbacks.”

“For years I’ve said, you know, put a damn fence on the border going to Canada and start shooting. I’m running for Congress and that should be a bad thing to say. But you know what, it’s how I feel…I want my borders protected, I’m very, very adamant about that. I’m sick of these snowbacks sneaking in here illegally!” Wurzelbacher said.

Mas…Joe the Plumber: Shoot the damn Canucks and ask questions later!

Ñewsweek: Crip-walkin’, boner-stalkin’, white-talkin’ and Irish stuff

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POCHO caught Olympic fever this week as the ñews from London captivated the Internets.

Who could ever forget the magic of Serena William’s Crip-walking victory dance, complemented by our astutely-curated contextualizing rich media augmentation — a C-walk video from España?

And when a bronze-winning American rower brandished a boner at the medal ceremony, only Jon Stewart and POCHO Migrant Editor Al Madrigal were men enough to get to the root of the problem, a story so popular that POCHO is #1 on Google when you search for “jon stewart olympic stiffy.”

*NOT ALL! MORE SAY!* Hey, white guy — the viral video for middle class male Caucasians who are sick and tired of all the damn attention being paid to women and minorities and gays — remains a World Wide Websation, and our scandalous Irish Broadcasting Authority Olympic NSFW video exposed for all of America the kind of coverage NBC was afraid to deliver.

Hella week, eh? Mira the links:

Mas…Ñewsweek: Crip-walkin’, boner-stalkin’, white-talkin’ and Irish stuff

BREAKING: Romney VP search reaches deep in the heart of Texas

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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON) BREAKING ÑEWS: Mitt Romney’s campaign “will neither confirm nor deny” that the GOP presidential candidate has chosen a running mate. The candidate’s vice presidential “short list” has long included Florida Sen. Marco Rubio and former governor Tim Pawlenty, but now campaign insiders are suggesting the search is over and Romney has chosen country music legend Randy Travis.

Once deemed George Bush Sr.’s favorite country music star, Travis has been actively campaigning for the slot for over a week, especially in Texas.

Mas…BREAKING: Romney VP search reaches deep in the heart of Texas

Mexican Mitt Romney’s Pocho Ocho picks for Vice Presidente

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8. Mr. Clean:  Although a white male, not a very diverse pick, Mr. Clean makes Mexican Mitt’s hair stand out even more when they stand next to each other.

7. Quaker Oats Quaker:  Another white male, but this man’s religious values and the fact that he stands for America, makes him attractive to the Romney camp. It’s the right thing to do.

6. Uncle Ben:  Fight fire with fire! Mexican Mitt says  the best way to displace the first African-American president  is to bring along a black chef! Isaac Hayes was not available.

Mas…Mexican Mitt Romney’s Pocho Ocho picks for Vice Presidente

Mexican Mitt Romney: My Pocho Ocho top Tweets from England

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Ann is having having trouble taking dictation (her Blackberries are on the wrong side of the estreet or something) so here are my personal Pocho Ocho Top Tweets from England for ustedes:

8. Mexican Mitt Romney: DAMN THERE’S A LOT OF MUSLIMS HERE

7. Mexican Mitt Romney: WE’RE GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS IN DRESSAGE, BEECHES

6. Mexican Mitt Romney: WHERE’S THE NEAREST CHICK-A-FILA?

Mas…Mexican Mitt Romney: My Pocho Ocho top Tweets from England

Dear Dr. Danilo Dinero: What should I do with this large cash settlement?

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Dear Dr. Danilo Dinero:

I recently received a large cash settlement (six figures) after my Geo Metro was totalled at Melrose and La Cienega by Kim Kardashian’s shoe concierge.

After I pay off the remaining bills, I’ll have $100K in cash. What should I do with the money?

A Man Named Jed

Dear Jed:

Thank you for your over-written, obviously fake letter. Are you perchance referring to the Geo Metro with the new rims? Or am I just throwing in gratuitous links for SEO porpoises? (Whales, dolphins, sea lions, seals, baby seals.)

The real question is where do you, Mr. Nouveau Riche Jed, or whatever your name is, feel most comfortable on Dr. Dinero’s Pyramid of Risk and Reward.™

Can you handle the risk of losing everything or do you want safety even though it nets you less? In these tricky economic times, safety is the obvious choice. The riskier investments — higher on the pyramid — can pay off the most but they come with maximum probability of loss.

Mas…Dear Dr. Danilo Dinero: What should I do with this large cash settlement?

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