grandmother

This is my new motto: ‘WWND? What would nana do?’

by

nanaWhile advances in technology make some areas of our lives easier, good old-fashioned child rearing has become more complicated.

In our grandparent’s day, it was a simpler time. They didn’t have the luxury of worrying about play dates and preschool applications.

I have a motto that has become a guiding principle for applying “old school” methods to present day parenting.

What would nana do?

I’m barely awake, preparing breakfast while holding the baby, trying to sip on day old coffee when my toddler asks me to cut her bread into shapes.

WWND? In nana’s day, a square slice was the only shape you were going to get.

It’s 4:30 pm, the witching hour. Despite the baby screaming all day, I’ve proudly set the table and prepared a healthy dinner. My toddler takes one look at her plate and breaks down in tears because she wants ice cream for dinner.

Mas…This is my new motto: ‘WWND? What would nana do?’

Hillary: I’m like your abuela! Twitter: #NoMames #NotMyAbuela

by

hilllaryabuelaHillary Clinton’s campaign shared the “7 Ways Hillary Clinton Is Just Like Your Abuela” on her website Tuesday (photo), after daughter Chelsea announced that she was pregnant.

“[Hillary] isn’t afraid to talk about the importance of el respeto,” the site proclaimed, and “she knows what’s best.”

Also, we learned, “she reacts this way when people le faltan el respeto:”

Mas…Hillary: I’m like your abuela! Twitter: #NoMames #NotMyAbuela

Abuela with iPad terrorizes area family via Facebook

by

IGgrannyipad(PNS reporting from CHICAGO) Rigoberto “Rigo” Chavez, 15, cringed in horror when he logged into Facebook Thursday morning and received a notification that his abuelita had once again commented on his status.

The high school junior had posted a status that read “$waaaag$” and Abuelita replied in ALL CAPS:

CACHORRITO ERES LA LUZ DE MI VIDA. CUIDATE MUCHO TE QUIERO

Mas…Abuela with iPad terrorizes area family via Facebook

Spanish art-restoring abuelita expert makes her mark at La Basilica

by

(PNS reporting from MEXICO CITY) Famed Spanish art-restoring abuelita Cecilia Gimenez has decided to visit La Basilica here, which houses the famed image of La Virgen de Guadalupe.

The fading portrait miraculously appeared on Aztec Indian Juan Diego’s robe 500 years ago.

The image needed some touching up, said Gimenez, who waited until the Basilica closed and somehow pried open the sealed display case and did a quick restoration.

“It looks so much better now,” said Gimenez from the Mexico City jail, adding, “I just don’t know why Jesus would appear to some Indio dressed like a woman.”

Upon seeing the restoration, the Mexican government quickly awarded Gimenez the Aztec Order of the Eagle medal.

Full image here:

Mas…Spanish art-restoring abuelita expert makes her mark at La Basilica

Dear Abuelita: Sporting man, subway kind of love, these kids today

by

Dear Abuelita,
The fourth race at Hollywood Park Friday night (mares and fillies, 5 1/2 furlongs, three-year-olds and up) appears very competitive to me, but analysis indicates I should look closely at #7 La Sancha, with 117-pound jockey V. Espinoza holding the reins. Some handicappers maintain that the predicted hot weather points to #5 Onyx Be Good with jockey A. Perez at 112 pounds; the hope is the lighter load will be easier in the heated air. Any thoughts?
A horse is a horse

Dear Exacta mente,
Who do you think I am? Charles Bukowski, or worse your pinche bookie? So you like mares and fillies with 5 1/2 furlongs. I thought waxing was the “in” thing these days.

Well, seeing how you’re looking at La Sancha, it’s safe to say you like the exotic wagers. Smart move, you can kill two ponies with a two-peso quinella and come out quite the stud. Speaking of stud, what say you meet me with your winnings at the Turf Club? Remember to dress “smart casual.” I’ll be in my fancy muumuu.

Mas…Dear Abuelita: Sporting man, subway kind of love, these kids today

Dear Abuelita: WiFi bath salts, leave it to Beaver, going down

by

Hey Old Lady!
Oh they think they are so friggin clever but I know what they are up to listening to me through my wifi and microwave well i have nothing to hide so neener neener Mr. and Ms. Big Brother politically correct death panel.

YOU WAN TO TAKE MY GUNNAWAY WELL HELL NO WE WONT GO. Don’t tase me bro hahah. I fought the law and law Juan. law Juan get it? Rock and roll will always die it will always be yakkity yak don’t talk back take out the papers and the trash or you dont get no steenkin cash. You have advice for me OLD LADY?

Why you smell like mota and not mocha? hahahaha.
Signed, Dada Doodoo

Dear Dodo Bird,
Que idiota! Have the drogas worn off yet? I don’t have time for your paranoid rants and raves. There are perfectly good street corners for you to stand on for spewing this kind of nonsense. Why don’t you go find one and leave me alone. Make sure you get there early before the OG vatos from Victory Outreach beat you to it. Better yet, stand on a corner opposite them and use your Mr. Microphone. I know you have one.

Mas…Dear Abuelita: WiFi bath salts, leave it to Beaver, going down

Dear Abuelita: Wife and lover, my ring-a-ding, trouble at the zoo

by

Dear Abuelita:
Is it possible to love two women at the same time? You see, I love my wive and I would do anything for her, but I also love my secret lover who inspires me in different ways that my wife does not. I make more love to my secret lover than to my wife. I think both of my loves complement my needs and I need both of them to be at peace.
Signed, Confused But Happy

Dear Con Fundio,
Don’t act like a tonto by saying you’d do anything for your wife. If you really meant it you would dump the hoochie coochie you have on the side and be a devoted husband. You’re so full of mierda, you need a lavativa not a lover.

Of course both your “loves” complement your needs. You’re a sin verguenza. Have you ever thought of the needs of your two women? How much are you offering them? I wouldn’t blame them if they had some one else on the side as well. Would serve you right.

Your pregunta is the biggest load of cacagada I’ve seen since my sancho plugged the toilet with one of his massive camotes.
Me da asco, cabron, Tu Abuelita

Mas…Dear Abuelita: Wife and lover, my ring-a-ding, trouble at the zoo

Dear Abuelita: Busty rebozo, itchy nalgas, chilly chi-chis

by

Dear Abuelita,
I’m a 43-year old married woman, but I think I fell in love with a 20-year old guy. I know he thinks of me as his mother and I have hinted my feelings for him but was rejected flat. Am I going through menopause? Midlife crisis? I can’t stop thinking about him and it’s been almost a year since I last saw him. How do I get over this?
Pendeja enamorada

Dear Pendeja enamorada,
Being obsessed with a firm 20-year-old muchacho is not love but it is a sure bet that you are a healthy 43-year old woman. You’re married, you’re bored, you’re feeling like a vieja way before your years and you’re horny. It’s natural.

BTW – I’m curious as to why he thought of you as his mother when you are only 23 years older than he is.

Did you try getting him to suck your tetas when riding the bus by tossing a rebozo over his head and popping them out? Maybe he was just the wrong guy to try that on. There are a lot of sick puppies out there into that sort of thing. So, I’ve heard.
Adoringly, Tu Abuelita

Mas…Dear Abuelita: Busty rebozo, itchy nalgas, chilly chi-chis

Dear Abuelita: Gay for a day, my 34C boobs, a career in modeling

by

Dear Abuelita,
I wear a 34C bra. My boyfriend is always scoping out girls with bigger boobs. Should I get implants?
Titi Caca

Dear Titi Caca,
Here’s what you need to do: Tell your boyfriend to look in the mirror the next time he wants to see a big boob then dump the pendejo. As for you, make yourself an appointment for a self-esteem implant ASAP. That’s all I have to say. I don’t have time to figure out the root of your insecurities. There are more important things to focus on than your pea-sized mosquito bites.

Do you have any idea how much trouble big chi-chis are? Let me tell you, they can be a real pain in the ass! I mean it, I once flung mine over my shoulders so hard the damned things left bruises on my nalgas.
Love, Your Abuelita

Mas…Dear Abuelita: Gay for a day, my 34C boobs, a career in modeling

Dear Abuelita: Is my girlfriend really a virgin? And why no sex now?

by

Dear Abuelita:
I am a 20-year-old Latino man. My girlfriend will not have sex with me until we get married and she insists she’s a virgin. I’m not sure she’s telling the truth. Is there any way to tell if she’s a virgin or not?
Crazy with Celibacy

Dear Crazy with Celibacy:
Ever hear of “something old, something new, something borrowed and some things are turning blue?” Listen, loco, there is only one sign you should be looking for and it’s an EXIT sign. Head for the hills, better yet, head to where buffalo girls roam and don’t come home until you’ve got your color back. That is unless…

Mas…Dear Abuelita: Is my girlfriend really a virgin? And why no sex now?