We didn’t cross the border, the border crossed us.
Wassup in Pochostan this week, you ask?
President Obama’s groundbreaking executive order halting the deportation of innocent kids brought cheers and hateful feedback from the right wing mediocracy, more Mexicans are bypassing the U.S. and heading to Canadia and a mathematician proved Chicanos have only one degree of separation.
The most popular POCHO stories that broke the ñews this week are right here:
Mas…Ñewsweek: POCHO vs Drudge, DREAMERS, bienvenue à Mexicanada
President Barack Obama’s announcement today that he is halting the possible deportation of up to 800,000 DREAMERs has the right wing (racist) blogosphere in fits. Example: The Drudge Report (owned by Matt Drudge, who does not love sex with men) was so freaked out, they posted this headline and image but later took it down. POCHO Jefe-in-Chief Lalo Alcaraz grabbed a screenshot first, though. Mira!
[FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE JUNE 1, 2012] C.L.A.P. (Conservative Latino Alliance for Prosperity) is holding its Annual Membership Drive throughout the month of June.
C.L.A.P., founded in 1912, is the oldest conservative Latino organization in the nation. For 100 years, we’ve worked tirelessly to return the country to core conservative principles.
These are our guiding principles:
Pillar 1: Immigration
Fact: Rare baseball cards, comics, and stamps increase in value the scarcer they become. With over 50 million Latinos in the U.S., our value to this country has become more and more diluted . As a result, C.L.A.P. aims to deport all Latinos (regardless of residency status) until four or five very valuable Latinos remain. There is power in numbers – very, very small numbers.
Mas…Got CLAP? (Press release: Conservative Latino Alliance for Prosperity)
(PNS reporting from LA FLORIDA) In an attempt to capitalize on the political gains made by Pres. Barack Obama’s support for gay marriage, Florida GOP senator and possible presidential candidate Marco Rubio has revamped his unpopular DREAM Act alternative.
The original federal DREAM Act allowed undocumented youth brought here as minors a path to citizenship if they served in the military or attended college. Rubio’s DREAM Act “lite” version offered these youth only a non-immigrant visa and permanent status as second-class citizens.
Now, hoping to suck off gay votes from Obama, Rubio has introduced the DREAMY Act.
POCHO’s Lalo Alcaraz, Jefe-in-Chief, and Al Madrigal, Migrant Editor, Skype truth to power in PochoCast Number Four.
The long-distance interlocutors are all about Cinco de Mayo fever, Mexican Mitt Romney, Gustavo Arellano, Taco John’s, SB1070, Obama, the Dream Act, Los Lobos, Latino USA, Taco USA, La Cucaracha, Ann Romney, Twitter, hate mail, the Politico blog, FU money, MEChA, the Walmart Mexico bribery scandal, and this guy Al knows.
Although the podcast is recommended listening for your morning commute, do not listen while shaving, frying bacon (naked or not) or inserting contact lenses due to danger of cuts, burns and/or pokes in the eye. No warranty expressed or implied. Your mileage may vary. We don’t speak your crazy moon language.
Liberals and conservatives agree — immigrants cause global warning and poison the political atmosphere!
It’s Income Tax day — do you know where your undocumented alien superhero is?
It’s no secret that Mitt “Self Deportation” Romney is not Latinos’ favorite presidential hopeful. Stephen Colbert explains the political realities and introduces a new Mitt Romney TV commercial.
POCHO has a Mexican Mitt Romney commercial too — and it’s a music video (below).
Mas…Colbert to Romney: Run this commercial to get Latino votes
(PNS reporting from HOLLYWOOD) Republicans scared to death worried about the GOP’s ridiculously awful poor standing with Hispanic non-Mexican-American voters have launched an election-year scramble to put a better spin on their party’s immigration problem. Their solution? A TV reality show starring Hollywood flunkie and all-around jackass, Steven Seagal.
Seagal leads the list of C-level actors in You’re Busted, Beaner! a new Republican Party-backed reality series. Seagal stars as a cop who pursues “illegals” while promoting the GOP’s non-Mexican Hispanic-friendly agenda.
The show will be produced by Tinsel Town’s sole Republican, who prefers to remain anonymous.
Mas…GOP seeks Hispanic vote, taps Seagal for ‘You’re Busted, Beaner!’
Gov. Jerry Brown has sworn in UC Riverside professor Juan Felipe Herrera as California’s Poet Laureate — the first Chicano to get the honor. In this video, Herrera reads his poem 187 reasons Mexicanos can’t cross the border. The poem illustrates the difference between Jerry Brown’s California and Jan Brewer’s Hate State of Arizona, where Mexican-American Studies are outlawed. Cali isn’t perfect, but at least we know where we came from.
(PNS reporting from OLE MISS) Inspired by the members of the University of Southern Mississippi marching band, state legislators passed a harsh new anti-immigration measure Wednesday and expect the bill to pass the Senate and be signed into law soon by Gov. Phil Bryant.
HB 488 requires law enforcement to investigate the immigration status of any person in custody thought to be in the country illegally and specifically targets American citizens from Puerto Rico. They are obligated to present a green card as well as prove proficiency in English.
The bill originally included provisions that would have required public schools to check the immigration status of all enrolled students and test their spelling proficiency. Those provisions were removed from the bill when it was discovered that many students could not spell Mississippi without singing it.
Mas…Mississippi bill would require ‘green cards’ from Pocho Ricans
POCHO’s ñews team started the week in glossy Hollyweird and ended up scraping the crap off their shoes near Rush Limbaugh’s headquarters in La Floridita, but the big story of the week was the release of Mexican Mitt Romney’s music video/camapaign commercial.
Will the GOP wannabe become the nation’s first Latino president? And why does his MittShake bring all the viejas to yard? You’ll have to watch and figure it out yourself!
The Academy Awards were just around the corner from installation artist Ramiro Gomez Jr. so he made sure the neighborhood got to see normally-invisible Latino elements of the star-making machinery with a poignant installation on Hollywood Boulevard.
(PNS reporting from MEXICO CITY) In an effort to “adapt to current budget realities,” the Federales of Los United Estates will begin flying deported immigrants back to Mexico and dropping them from airplanes over their home states.
This plan, dubbed Operation Wet Parachute, is the brainchild of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano who said yesterday she got the idea while making margaritas and watching the film Point Break.
Mas…Operation Wet Parachute: U.S. to drop Mexican deportees from planes
The Hate State of Arizona was the scene of three big stories this week:
GOP wannabe Mitt Rammane’s campaign pulled another boner as the campaign co-chair, immigrant-hating sheriff Paul Babeu, tried to explain his way out of allegations he threatened his Mexican immigrant boyfriend with deportation.
Babeu resigned from the campaign but not before Pocho Ñews Service scored a copy of his cancelled TV commercial endorsing Romney. Babeu’s endorsement noted Romney’s support for installing GAYDAR to protect the Arizona border from straight migrants, letting only attractive Gayliens cross over.
Babeu later announced he was ready for any probe of his actions, the deeper the better.
Mas…Ñewsweek: AZ gay sheriff, ‘Sh¡t Latinos Don’t Say,’ Satan speaks
We already know mummy-like AZ Gov. Jan Brewer gets absolutely unraveled whenever she’s near Pres. Barack Obama. But why exactly did she decline to attend tomorrow’s Governor’s Dinner at the White House?
Here are the Pocho Ocho reasons Brewer did not accept the President’s invitation:
8– They could not guarantee her a seat next to the open bar
7– She’s going to be busy looking for heads in the desert
6– Sunday night is when she soaks her skin in formaldehyde
Mas…Pocho Ocho reasons Jan Brewer declined dinner at the White House
(PNS reporting from ALTA CALIFORNIA) The original militant self-deportationist Daniel D. Portado is back and proud as punch that his ex-boss Pete Wilson has endorsed GOP wannabe Mitt Rammane. Romney has already advocated self-deportation, as Portado told Rachel Maddow, and that means Romney endorses Portado! “Attention mojados,” he warns in this video. “It’s time to self-deport!”
(PNS reporting from ARIZONA) It’s the commercial the Mexican Mitt Romney campaign didn’t want you to see — an explosive TV endorsement by anti-immigrant Sheriff Paul Babeu calling for the erection of a GAYDAR border fence.
The six-figure TV buy on local stations was cancelled over the weekend after Babeu faced hard questions about how exactly he meant to “get to the bottom” of the Mexican immigrant situation.
Anti-Immigrant Pinal County Sheriff Paul Babeu has resigned as Mitt Romney’s Arizona GOP Primary Campaign Co-Chair. Sheriff Babeu is facing explosive allegations that he tried to intimidate a former Mexican immigrant lover with deportation threats. Especial Guest Columnist Mexican Mitt Romney offers his Opinión:
Sheriff Babeu has stepped down from his volunteer position with the campaign so he can spend more time fighting with his gay mojado boyfriend.
I am so sad that Sheriff Babeu had to geu.
But he has a bigger fight on his hands than getting me elected President of the United Estates. Babeu is going to focus more on wrestling the problem of illegal immigration to the ground.
Sheriff Babeu is right when he says America’s head is buried in a pillow over immigration. Sheriff Babeu has always said he wants to get ahead of the mojados, and inside the illegals. Inside their minds! Ajua!
Mas…Mexican Mitt Romney: ‘Sheriff Paul Babeau’s GAYDAR got to the bottom of the illegal problem’
Exterior, day: Destitute desert town in the year 2040. Audio: Spanish newsradio tells the story — unemployment is 86%, gangs are everywhere and food and water are getting scarce.
There’s only one thing a father can do — smuggle his family across the border to the prosperous country on The Other Side.
(PNS reporting from MEXICO CITY) In the widest travel advisory since the Zoot Suit Riots of the 1940s, the Mexican government is recommending that Mexicans avoid travel to all or parts of the United States of America.
Mexico’s State Department has warned against any nonessential travel in all of California, Arizona, Texas and New Mexico as well as the entire South, including Florida.
The advisory issued Tuesday note that Mexican citizens have been victims of offically-sanctioned governmental racism, including scapegoating, false statistics and Jim Crow-era laws. It is the first time the Mexican government listed advisories for the entire United States.
Conservative Republican Hispanic activist Daniel D. Portado, the original self-deportationist, explains the origin of the self-deportation movement in his own words. Portado’s rallying cry is now backed by GOP wannabe Mitt Romney. Portado is on Twitter, too.
Video by Giovanni Solis and Eduardo M Zamora.
(PNS reporting from LA FLORIDA) Ace Pocho Ñews Service contributor, author and hardcore poet (Demon in the Mirror and Amerikkkan Stories) S. J. Rivera sat down to talk to himself about his Self-Deportation Book Tour and what it’s like to have a book signing at Guantanamo Bay.
PNS: Your new book is AmeriKKKan Stories (Hardcore Poetry) – is it a Klan book or…?
S. J. Rivera: Yes and no. Actually there’s a very true story in there about the time I ran a guy over with my car. His name was Donny and I hit him on purpose because he may or may not have been in the klan(Hi, Donny!) There’s stuff in there about redneck zen, badmouthing the government, pochismo, fat Elvis, EMS horror stories, McDonald’s Nazis – you name it, it’s in there.
Mas…S. J. Rivera: My Guantanamo Bay self-deportation book tour
Since the beginning we, la raza odiada
the hated race
have been caught in the middle
just as we are now
between the fall of Tenochtitlan
and the migrant farms that feed a nation
in this modern day version of divide and conquer
1492
1942
2010
what’s the fucking difference?
we are all just a bunch of savages
pachucos y wetbacks
soy ilegal
Mas…Amerikkkan Stories hardcore poetry excerpt: ‘Soy Ilegal’
This just in from from Arizona! Tree falls in forest and …
Mas…If a tree falls in the forest, and hits someone in the head…
(PNS reporting from PHILADELPHIA) Local publisher Benjamin “Sparky” Franklin (Poor Richard’s Almanac) is shocked by all the non-English-speaking dark-skinned foreigners in the City of Brotherly Love and worries about how our planet appears to residents of Venus and Mars.
The “swarthy” German newcomers are too stupid to learn English, the Society Hill resident charged in a recent newsletter:
A busy ñewsweek brought the return to glory of the original self-deportationist, Daniel D. Portado, who, it turns out, is a fictional character created by POCHO Jefe-in-Chief Lalo Alcaraz; an Alabama plan to import Canadians to replace the immigrant labor that used to keep the state running; and militant MEChA murmurings about the Lack of Visible Latinos in the hit BBC/PBS series Downton Abbey.
Other top stories included First Lady Michelle Obama’s partnership with Caribbean food conglomerate Goya and the astounding “installation art” of Ramiro Gomez, Jr. Here’s our big list:
Mas…Ñewsy Week: Daniel D Portado returns, AL ♥ CA y much more
Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy
POCHO Jefe-in-Chief Lalo Alcaraz joined the Rachel Maddow show on MSNBC Wednesday evening to discuss the fictional Daniel D. Portado character he created in 1994 to mock a racist California anti-immigrant measure. Lalo’s “self-deportation” hoax solution for undocumented residents was reborn last week as GOP hopeful Mitt Romney suggested “illegal” immigrants should “self-deport.”
This is the first-ever recorded instance of “Self-Deportation,” an original Hispanics For Wilson press release dating from Mexican Independence Day, 1994. Daniel D. Portado was then known as “Dr. D. Portado.”
(PNS reporting from CYBERESPACE) Although Mitt Romney has lately been in the news for promoting self-deportation, there is someone who beat him to the concept back in the 1990s — Daniel D. Portado. The self-proclaimed “original self-deportationist” encouraged others to follow his example and self-deport during California’s brush with anti-immigration legislation in the 1990s.
In this current round of self-deportation, groups have sprung up to actually promote self-deportation, and Romney’s rhetoric has been taken seriously in some politically conservative circles. We interviewed Daniel D. Portado about self-deportation and here’s what he said.
PNS: Rumor has it that you are the original self deportation asked, is that true?
Daniel D. Portado: Yes. I clearly invented self-deportation in 1994 during the wonderful Proposition 187 era in California. I founded the group “Hispanics For Wilson”, a GOP support group of Governor Pete Wilson. Wilson correctly wanted to chase all the illegals out of California after they were done mowing our lawns, but before payday.
Mas…Meet Daniel D. Portado, the original ‘self-deportationist’
Daniel D. Portado is no newbie. Check out this interview with NPR’s Ira Glass on This American Life.
(PNS reporting from ARIZONA) The warmer the U.S. gets, the more Latinos live here. That’s the controversial conclusion of a scientific study released Thursday by the Demographic Climatology Trend Institute at Maricopa County Community College.
“We don’t know if the warmer weather makes El Norte a more comfortable place to live for Mexicans used to desert living, you know, with the sombreros and cacti and burros, or that the number of brown people on our side of the border means more sunlight is getting absorbed and kicking up the thermometer,” said Assistant Professor of Ignorametry Joe “Junior” Arapaio.
Mas…Shocking study links global warming and Latino immigration