Times are tough in Venezuela, where Hugo Chavez‘ successor Commandante El Presidente Nicolas Maduro’s command economy has people scrambling for toilet paper as socialist shit production has outpaced the supply of papel higiénico.
But that’s not all! Last month, a half dozen people witnessed a glowing OVNI/UFO hovering above a cemetery near the sad country’s capital.
Héctor Escalante’s original Spanish report was translated by Inexplicata:
(PNS reporting from MALIBU) Sean Penn will deliver the keynote address at the City of San Jose’s annual Cesar Chavez Day celebration March 31, friends of the actor say. The ceremony honors the late Mexican-American icon and civil rights leader on his birthday.
Penn told dinner companions here Tuesday night that he plans to open the speech at the San Jose Civic Center with some humorous anecdotes.
Hey! I took Russki in college. Труп чупакабры в Венесуэле means “corpse of a chupacabra [found] in Venezuela.”
Poor Venezuela. Ever since Commandante Hugo Chavez died, his chosen successor Nicolas Maduro has had to cope with a series of Yanqui plots that are screwing up the economy in his socialist paradise.
First came the toilet paper shortage which Maduro blamed on imperialist sabotage, although he later tried to paint it as an example of his economic successes, claiming Venezuelan shit production had reached record levels, thereby outstripping the papel hygenico supply.
Mas…From Venuezuela: Труп чупакабры в Венесуэле (chupacabra video)
This is the letter, which as a human cry, I sent to Obama. Let’s mobilize public opinion and stop war!! http://t.co/RgckDZ2RgV
— Nicolás Maduro (@maduro_en) September 2, 2013
Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro knows what to do about Syria, based on careful study of the works of Jesus of Nazareth, Susan Sontag, Brother Malcolm X, the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., John Lennon, Robert Fisk, Hugo Chavez, Howard Zinn and Simon Bolivar.
The commie commandante, still BFFs with murderous Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad, publicly shared his foreign policy expertise with His Excellency Barack Obama Monday afternoon:
The Venezuelan Bolivarian Revolution, now firmly guided by the strong and steady hand of Commandante El Presidente Nicolas Maduro, has achieved new records in the production of shit, or mierda as it is known locally.
But pride in the record April crop of fecal material was tempered by a Western capitalist conspiracy which has left the country short of papel higiénico.
Mas…Venezuela shit production hits record, outpaces toilet paper supply
Venezuelan Vice President Nicolas Maduro (he may be the new president by the time you read this) has accused the United Estates of poisoning dead Hugo Chavez with special commie-killing cancer.
We talked to our sources in the intelligence community to compile the pocho ocho most likely ways the U.S. could have given Commissar Chavez the deadly disease:
8. Horsemeat — it’s what’s for dinner
7. Pinche high-fructose corn syrup
6. GMO salmon
Mas…Pocho Ocho probable ways the CIA gave Hugo Chavez cancer