presents

The Pocho Ocho worst Valentine’s Day gifts evah?

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8. Candy Bra: Lets face it, dude, the gift wasn’t really for your girl — it was for your own enjoyment. If eating chalky conversation hearts is what turns you on, you might as well just give her one. Plus, you could have thrown it on her body when she was naked. Now you just wasted $14.95 instead of Brachs conversation hearts which are 99 cents.

7. Humidifer: Don’t buy shit just because it’s on sale, unless he or she has severe allergies. Do not let yourself look like a mouth breather.

6. Electric Blanket: I know, I know, I actually got this as a gift on Valentine’s Day. He explained that because he had a Jeep I should take it along when we go out. Shortly after the relationship ended, the blanket ended as well when my niece spilled her Dora the Explorer juice box all over it.

Mas…The Pocho Ocho worst Valentine’s Day gifts evah?

The Pocho Ocho worst Valentine’s Day gifts evah?

by

8. Candy Bra: Lets face it, dude, the gift wasn’t really for your girl — it was for your own enjoyment. If eating chalky conversation hearts is what turns you on, you might as well just give her one. Plus, you could have thrown it on her body when she was naked. Now you just wasted $14.95 instead of Brachs conversation hearts which are 99 cents.

7. Humidifer: Don’t buy shit just because it’s on sale, unless he or she has severe allergies. Do not let yourself look like a mouth breather.

6. Electric Blanket: I know, I know, I actually got this as a gift on Valentine’s Day. He explained that because he had a Jeep I should take it along when we go out. Shortly after the relationship ended, the blanket ended as well when my niece spilled her Dora the Explorer juice box all over it.

Mas…The Pocho Ocho worst Valentine’s Day gifts evah?

Happy Father’s Day: Are these the niños you were looking for?

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Are you a father? If so, your big day is here.

Dinner plans are in motion. The finger paints are out. You can hear the ugly ties and BBQ equipment being poorly wrapped  by tiny hands with still-developing fine motor skills. Glitter is strewn about the kitchen like the aftermath of a grisly triple Twilight-vampire murder scene.

Now, let me cast a doubt on your most precious day, “Dad,” if that’s what the little sticky-fingered heathens are calling you.

Take a really good look at that kid. The one – who like some Pavlovian dog – wants ice cream every time he/she hears bells. The one who seems to outgrow shoes every 18 hours and who loses his/her retainer every other week. The one who bit you when you were trying to leave the park the other day and vomited all over your car’s interior like some twisted Dr. Moreau sprinkler system gone awry.

It is estimated that 4-10% of men are unwittingly raising someone else’s kid.

Mas…Happy Father’s Day: Are these the niños you were looking for?