[Toon mashed up from the Internets. Original source unknown.]
republican
Texas Senator Ted Cruz’ Pocho Ocho top legislative proposals
Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas) has reintroduced legislation to take away federal benefits from same-sex married couples. But this troglodyte’s penedjitis is too advanced to stop at one stupid and hateful idea.
That’s right, there’s more — Ted Cruz’s Pocho Ocho Top Legislative Priorities for 2015:
8. Federal guidelines on subsidized school lunches for poor children shall encourage incorporation of nutritious roadkill meat, especially racoon. Now yer ‘coon is a touch on the greasy side, not sweet like ‘possum, but if you cook ’em up right, mmmmmmm, racoon!
7. Women banned from buying condoms because it curtails a Man’s Right to Reproduce.
6. Solar energy outlawed because it sucks the light right out of the Sun.
Mas…Texas Senator Ted Cruz’ Pocho Ocho top legislative proposals
Pocho Ocho top rules Republicans think you should be able to ignore
Citing the burden of compliance with “big government,” Senator Thom Tills (R-North Carolina) (photo) would let restaurants “opt out” of regulations requiring employees to wash their hands before returning to work.
This isn’t the only rule Tills would eliminate, and he isn’t the only Republican with this opinion. These are the Pocho Ocho top rules the GOP thinks we should ignore:
8. I before E, except after C
7. Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself
6. Mind the gap
Mas…Pocho Ocho top rules Republicans think you should be able to ignore
Pocho Ocho top reasons Obama’s State of the Union gave us a sad
Despite the his many significant accomplishments and chingon new proposals, we were disappointed by what President Obama didn’t say at Tuesday night’s State of the Union address.
Here are the Pocho Ocho top reasons Obama’s SOTU gave us a sad:
8. Still no federal funding for Flying Trocas research.
7. Didn’t announce plan to make Ted Cruz first U.S. ambassador to Cuba.
6. No tax cuts for tamale entrepreneurs, thus no Pedro Herrera III in the audience to give a shout out to.
Mas…Pocho Ocho top reasons Obama’s State of the Union gave us a sad
Expect these Pocho Ocho surprises in tonight’s State of the Union
Washington insiders all know tonight’s State of the Union address — like every one before — will bring a few surprises.
We asked around town, and our peeps say these are the top eight to watch for:
8. First use of the Booger-Cam™ captures candid live video of bored Republicans
7. Warmup act Oprah Winfrey to Congress: “You get a drone…and you get a drone. Everybody gets a drone!”
6. Obama cruises to the Capitol in a clean 1953 Packard limousine, a gift from the people of Cuba
Mas…Expect these Pocho Ocho surprises in tonight’s State of the Union
New GOP-controlled Congress’ Pocho Ocho top policy priorities
The GOP-controlled Senate and 114th Congress got to work Tuesday (photo, above) and the Republicans were quick to announce their plans for America.
Here are their Pocho Ocho top policy priorities:
8. No tax cut left behind
7. Read my lips: No new Mexis
6. All about the race
Mas…New GOP-controlled Congress’ Pocho Ocho top policy priorities
Jon Stewart: How Obama’s amnesty shreds the Constitution (video)
With the midterm election over, President Obama’s plan to use his executive powers to ease immigration issues for DREAMers, Central American refugees and others has Republicans up in arms about so-called “amnesty.”
Obama is “shredding the Constitution,” they claim, and even Mitt Romney, for Pete’s sake, has to remind Obama that he, Obama, is a loser. Jon Stewart and The Daily Show — with the help of Fox News — explain the big picture.
Rosebud Sioux Nation: Keystone XL Pipeline Vote is ‘Act of War’
Last week’s vote to approve the controversial Keystone XL pipeline by the Republican-controlled United States House of Representatives constitutes an “act of war” and a “death warrant,” according to the South Dakota Rosebud Sioux (Lakota) Nation, Lakota Voice Rez News reported Friday.
Tribal President Cyril L. Scott rebuked the House, according to Rez News:
The House has now signed our death warrants and the death warrants of our children and grandchildren. The Rosebud Sioux Tribe will not allow this pipeline through our lands. We are outraged at the lack of intergovernmental cooperation. We are a sovereign nation and we are not being treated as such. We will close our reservation borders to Keystone XL. Authorizing Keystone XL is an act of war against our people.
Mas…Rosebud Sioux Nation: Keystone XL Pipeline Vote is ‘Act of War’
Jubilant Republican spokesman trumpets GOP victory (video)
In the jungle, the Washington jungle, the donkey fears tonight.
Been indicted and it feels so good: The Governor Rick Perry Story
When news broke Friday that GOP presidential nominee wannabe Texas Governor Rick Perry (photo) was indicted on two counts of abuse of power, we were pissed off because we were in the middle of a conference call and didn’t that grand jury know our meeting schedule and publishing deadlines?
We realized later, however, that we had a treasure trove of Perry-ana that could be given fresh life on the Interwebs with a cool big-ass image of Perry, a clever headline and lots of SEO-friendly keywords.
POCHO proudly presents PREVIOUSLY ON INDICTED TEXAS GOVERNOR RICK PERRY THEATRE:
Mas…Been indicted and it feels so good: The Governor Rick Perry Story
Alaskans praise candidate who will save us from illegals with tats
(PNS reporting from ANCHORAGE, AK) Some they call him Joe, some they call him Doh! but one group of Alaska voters is 100% behind Joe Miller, the Tea Party-affiliated candidate who is seeking a United States Senate nomination.
“His campaign mailer (click on photo to enlarge) convinced us that Miller will do a great job keeping the thriving Latino community of Alaska in check,” read a press release issued Thursday by Cecilia Jones, the president of National Organization for Minorities, Advertisements, Media Exposure and Symbolism. “And that especially goes for your drug-dealing border-crossing tat-wearing illegal alien Democrat voters!”
Mas…Alaskans praise candidate who will save us from illegals with tats
National Poetry Month: ‘Obama Shoulda Seen This’ (NSFW video, photos)
National Poetry Month means — to us — poems by and for the people, like Jesús Iñiguez with his poem about immigration. Spoiler alert — Iñiguez is not exactly happy with Administration policies and questions President Obama’s legacy. [NSFW “F-bomb.”]
Post by Jesús Iñiguez.
More from the Obama Legacy blog:
Mas…National Poetry Month: ‘Obama Shoulda Seen This’ (NSFW video, photos)
Sen. Ted Cruz hates avocados (allegedly) and Pocho Ocho other things
Tea Partier Ted Cruz, the Canadian United States Senator (R-TX), hates avocados, the fruit of a tree native to Mexico and Central America, classified in the flowering plant family Lauraceae along with cinnamon, camphor and bay laurel.
We just learned from a blog post that this Canuckian “public servant” allegedly confessed his shameful prejudice in an interview last October, but sometime since then, the original evidence mysteriously disappeared.
(Crack Malaysian detectives are investigating the disappearance.)
Of course, this Grand Old Pendejo official has many other skeletors in his closet — the Pocho Ocho Other Things Sen. Ted Cruz Hates Besides Avocados:
8. LIFE cereal.
7. Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
6. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
Mas…Sen. Ted Cruz hates avocados (allegedly) and Pocho Ocho other things
Expect these Pocho Ocho ‘surprises’ in the State of the Union
White House insiders indicate the President’s State of the Union address tonight will have a few surprises for the Congressional and TV audiences.
Here are the top eight:
8. The NSA will intercept Republicans’ text messages to each other and display them on the JumboTron in real time
7. President Obama will be sporting snazzy new Uncle Sugar costume
6. Mass wedding performed according to Sharia Law
Mas…Expect these Pocho Ocho ‘surprises’ in the State of the Union
Rick Perry is sad new hipster glasses don’t help him make friends
(PNS reporting from AUSTIN) Gov. Rick Perry is disappointed his new hipster glasses haven’t helped him in the polls.
“Why don’t people like me? I’m more than just the guy who came after Bush, I’m cool, see?” he told reporters at a press conference at the Capitol Wednesday as he pointed to his stylin’ horn rim frames from Warby Parker.
According to insiders, Perry thought the hipster glasses would not only make him more likeable but would also make people think he’s smarter, too.
“I watch Dr. Who,” said Perry. “I’m been hanging at Waterloo Records trying to make friends with guys with beards. I’m growing some fierce sideburns.”
Mas…Rick Perry is sad new hipster glasses don’t help him make friends
Voice of America Hispanic Heritage Profile: George P. Bush (video)
This “little brown one” is all grown up now and and ready for his closeup. The Voice of America (VOA) profiles George P. Bush for Hispanic Heritage Month 2013: The Next Generation.
Breaking: Rick Perry moving West: ‘Let’s turn Cali red!’
(PNS reporting from AUSTIN) Rick Perry told a crowd of press and supporters here Monday that he will not seek another term as Texas governor when his term expires in 18 months.
Instead, the longest-serving governor in Texas’ history said he was going to do the unthinkable: move to California to turn the state back into a Republican stronghold.
“Now that Democrats have set their sights on Texas, I want to return the favor and head to the Golden State and bring a brand of compassionate conservatism that ruled the state in the good ol’ days,” the former GOP presidential nominee wannabe said.
Mas…Breaking: Rick Perry moving West: ‘Let’s turn Cali red!’
Pocho Ocho new ignorant GOP proposals for Texas (photos, video)
The anti-abortion SB5 bill was delayed but not defeated after Sen. Wendy Davis’s spectacular filibuster with pink sneakers, but the battle for common sense in Texas (photo, above) continues.
We already told you about the attempt to outlaw “looking too Mexican,” but that’s not the only trick the Republicans have up their (cotton-poly-blend) sleeves.
From our Ostin Especial Correspondents — this just in — here are the GOP’s Pocho Ocho new proposals for Texas:
8. Henceforth, the value for Pi π shall, for efficiency purposes, be rounded down to 3.00; additionally only apple pi is permitted
7. SB666, dubbed the “God Is My Co-Pilot Bill,” requires a Gideon Bible in every glove compartment
6. Hug a tree, go to jail
Mas…Pocho Ocho new ignorant GOP proposals for Texas (photos, video)
GOP, Christians reach out to millennials: ‘Rappin’ for Jesus’
If the GOP has any future, it needs fresh blood, according to young Christian conservatives at a recent right-wing confab.
And reaching “Millenials” means communicating in the languages These Kids Today know — sarcasm, hiphop, humor and snark.
“How do you make abortion funny?” That was a key question mulled at a major conservative gathering Friday on how to make social conservatism appealing to young people, after an election where Republicans got trounced in the battle for millennial voters (who are are moving even further and further away from the Christian-right on marriage and other issues).
Mas…GOP, Christians reach out to millennials: ‘Rappin’ for Jesus’
Pocho Ocho ways the GOP can lure back young voters
It’s no secret: The Grand Old Party needs some new blood.
If the Republican Party, formerly the “Party of Lincoln,” is to succeed nationally, it needs more women, “minorities,” and younger voters. Old angry reactionary white people is not a growing constituency.
Here are Pocho Ocho ways the GOP can bring more young voters aboard:
8. Refer to them as “whippersnappers”
7. Say “dang-fangled” as much as possible
6. Promise 72 virgins to new party members
Pocho Ocho Republican things you didn’t know were in The Bible
It’s in the Jewy Old Testament, written from right to left in Leviticus, Chapter 19, Verses 33-34, where God tells Moses (photo, left):
If a stranger sojourn with thee in your land, ye shall not do him wrong. The stranger that sojourneth with you shall be unto you as the home-born among you, and thou shalt love him as thyself; for ye were strangers in the land of Egypt.
God-fearing Christian Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-AL) sure as Hell doesn’t think that means making nice to undocumented immigrants and he was quite happy to tell evangelical so-called Christian pro-reform advocates that he knows The Bible better than they do.
“I think this idea that somehow love, statements in Leviticus 19, is not the kind of thing that would indicate that we shouldn’t have laws,” Sessions mansplained. “Some people have been citing the Scripture, I think, pretty loosely,” he added.
Mas…Pocho Ocho Republican things you didn’t know were in The Bible