spanish

Flash: English-Only Whole Foods now known as AssWhole Foods

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(PNS reporting from TEXAS) After suspending two Latino employees in an Albuquerque, NM store for daring to speak Spanish, specialty grocer Whole Foods has announced that it will be changing its name to “AssWhole Foods.”

Whole Foods PR executive Kaley Quinoa, at the company’s corporate offices in Austin, released this statement:

We feel we need to reflect the public’s view of our changing brand, and nothing would represent this view better than changing our name to AssWhole Foods.

Quinoa explained her company’s “English Only” policies this way

Mas…Flash: English-Only Whole Foods now known as AssWhole Foods

Speaking bad Spanish makes Silverlake artist look like douche

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(PNS reporting from SILVERLAKE) It was a shocker when encaustic and collage mixed-media artist Ben Brown found out.

Even though he spent two years of high school learning Español, his habit of dropping a word or two in Spanish into day-to-day English conversations has not increased his “street cred” even un poquito.

The self-proclaimed free-spirit, a three-year resident of this trendy “East Hollywood-adjacent” neighborhood, said he had to face the fact that others did not perceive him as special or cool merely because said “hermano” or “comprende” at the end of his sentences, and they weren’t impressed by the pains he took to pronounce the double R in words like “burrito” or “ferrocarril.”

Mas…Speaking bad Spanish makes Silverlake artist look like douche

Secada emerges from the ground after 17 years

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(PNS reporting from PHILADELPHIA) American singer Jon Secada has begun to crawl out of the ground in the Mid-Atlantic area.

The now 50-year-old Secada reemerges every 13 or 17 years somewhere in the eastern half of the United States.

The last time Cuban-born Secada went underground was in 1996, two years after releasing Heart, Soul and a Voice. During his absence he somehow managed to quietly release two greatest hit albums and two Christmas albums, both in English and Spanish.

After re-emerging, Jon Secada typically sheds his crunchy brown exoskeleton and will spend a few weeks of adulthood mating and laying eggs in tree branches. He will also release yet another greatest hits or holiday-themed collection, definitely in Spanish.

Mas…Secada emerges from the ground after 17 years

Breaking: San Diego firm offers Thailand plastic surgery tours

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(PNS reporting from SAN DIEGO) Horton District travel agency Mad Mad World Tours is now offering a new cosmetic surgery/tour package featuring makeovers in beautiful Thailand, the company announced today.

The tours, organized in partnership with the Bod Thai Clinic of Bangkok, Thailand, promise an all-expenses-paid two-week luxury trip to the southeast Asian country and a procedure called a frental nopalectomy. The forehead surgery promotion targets upscale Mexican-Americans.

Mas…Breaking: San Diego firm offers Thailand plastic surgery tours

Pocha Podcast: WTF is up with these catcalls? (NSFW audio)

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POCHO’s Subcommandanta del Ñews Sara Inés Calderón in Los Angeles and New Jack City Burro Jefe Elise Roedenbeck got together in audioland to see if they could figure out WTF is up with guys and their weird catcalls and come-ons. Is it different in New York vs. L.A.? Are Spanish catcalls different from English? What’s a guera to do?

Ooops! This audio file seems to be missing! The authorities have been notified.

Hooray! We found a cached copy on Archive.org. Download the POCHA PODCAST here (5.1MB MP3)

Pocho Ocho absolutely worst things to do with a Taco Bell burrito

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Eric Brown, 36, of Pt. Lucie, FL, is awaiting an arraignment for “assault” because he allegedly threw a Taco Bell burrito in his 16-year-old brother-in-law’s face.

Just so you don’t run afoul of the Law of Burritos, make note of the pocho ocho things you should never EVER do with a Taco Bell burrito:

8. Smoosh it in a 16-year-old’s face

7. Use it as a suppository

6. Mix with papier mache to make a piñata

Mas…Pocho Ocho absolutely worst things to do with a Taco Bell burrito

Breaking: Venezuelan astronomer reveals Mayan Apocalypse schedule

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Email from astronomer and Venezuelan native Ricardo Salamé Páez details today’s schedule for the Mayan Apocalypse:

HORARIO DEL FIN DEL MUNDO para los Habla Hispana

06:30 – Apertura del Fin
07:00 – Lluvia de meteoritos
08:30 – Llegada del primer tsunami
10:00 – Bienvenida de los ovnis
10:30 – flashmob baile de ovnis al estilo de Gangnam
… 11:36 – Comienzo de la Destrucción (sub.)
12:00 – Eclipse y la alineación de todos los planetas del sistema solar
12:00-14:00 – ALMUERZO

Mas…Breaking: Venezuelan astronomer reveals Mayan Apocalypse schedule

Spanish-speaking ‘holobot’ greets you at Long Beach Airport (video)

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Apocalyptic manifestations are occurring at accelerating rates and spreading all across the country as we approach The End of the World as We Know it on December 21. [SYNCHRONIZE YOUR DEVICES WITH POCHO’S MAYAN APOCALYPSE DOOMSDAY COUNTDOWN CLOCK IN THE RIGHT COLUMN.]

Close to our headquarters in Rancho Pocho, CA, municipal officials just installed a Spanish-speaking hottie robot-like being to offer greets to peeps at Long Beach Airport.

Mas…Spanish-speaking ‘holobot’ greets you at Long Beach Airport (video)

Ñewsweek: LOST GOV Jan Brewja, boobs, San Diego billboard

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When Jan Brewja, governor of the Hate State of Arizona (photo,right), officially announced her absence from the jurisdiction, concerned Americans began a desperate search for LOST GOV, posting flyers on telephone polls and all over the Internets.

Her mysterious disappearance almost overshadowed the shocking revelation of Iowa’s Brian Peterson, who finally had to come to grips with the fact that he watches telenovelas for the boobs, not to learn Spanish like he originally told himself.

And in San Diego, a multimillionaire commissioned a billboard to get himself a new girlfriend for Christmas — a “Christmas Latina.” Our Especial Correspondents uncovered some earlier versions of the billboard, and an intrepid photographer snapped the final version of the message.

Here are the links to the top stories that broke the ñews:

Mas…Ñewsweek: LOST GOV Jan Brewja, boobs, San Diego billboard

Student activist confesses: ‘I’m actually mestizo, not indígena’

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(PNS reporting from SAN JOSE) Johnny Ramírez had a huge confession to make to his Pre-Columbian Latin American history class last week. The summer he spent in Barcelona really changed him, the San Jose State junior told his fellow students during section.

“I always felt this pressure to be true to my indígena Aztec roots, you know? Even though me — and well my parents and grandparents, too — were all born right here in California, I always wanted to honor my family’s real roots,” the well-known Latino campus activist said. (Ramirez, right, was photographed at an immigrants’ rights march last May Day.)

When he was in Barcelona, he said, he realized that he had Spanish blood, too, and it wasn’t something to be ashamed of — but proud. He has a cousin, Juanita, who has hazel eyes, so obviously his family has Spanish blood, too.

Mas…Student activist confesses: ‘I’m actually mestizo, not indígena’

Cri-Cri, El Grillito Cantor: ‘La Marcha De Las Letras’ (video)

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Face it — you could use some remedial work on your Spanish vowels (las cinco vocales.) But when everyone’s favorite singing cricket is around, mijos, it’s easy! Cri-Cri is here with La Marcha De Las Letras. (Yes, we know about the flaca and the gorda and the letters I and O. This song is from history. The past is a foreign country, they do things differently there.)

Here are the lyrics:

Mas…Cri-Cri, El Grillito Cantor: ‘La Marcha De Las Letras’ (video)

Spanish art-restoring abuelita expert makes her mark at La Basilica

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(PNS reporting from MEXICO CITY) Famed Spanish art-restoring abuelita Cecilia Gimenez has decided to visit La Basilica here, which houses the famed image of La Virgen de Guadalupe.

The fading portrait miraculously appeared on Aztec Indian Juan Diego’s robe 500 years ago.

The image needed some touching up, said Gimenez, who waited until the Basilica closed and somehow pried open the sealed display case and did a quick restoration.

“It looks so much better now,” said Gimenez from the Mexico City jail, adding, “I just don’t know why Jesus would appear to some Indio dressed like a woman.”

Upon seeing the restoration, the Mexican government quickly awarded Gimenez the Aztec Order of the Eagle medal.

Full image here:

Mas…Spanish art-restoring abuelita expert makes her mark at La Basilica

@MexicanMitt: Corrected subtitles for my Univision appearance

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Those vendidos at Univision‘s Espanish subtitling department are lying Cubanos and they hate Mexicans like me. That is the ONLY EXPLANATION I have for the way they translated my remarks for my Espanish-speaking friends.

Here is what I really said:

So-called transcript: But the truth is as you know my dad was born of American parents living in Mexico.

Correct subtitle: YO SER MEXI-MORMON GUERO

The immigration system, I think we all agree, is broken and it’s been a political football for years. MEXICANOS DEBER EL SELF-DEPORTO

Mas…@MexicanMitt: Corrected subtitles for my Univision appearance

Pocho Ocho reasons Romney appeared so ‘dark’ on Univision

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The Internets are buzzing with questions about about Gov. Mitt Romney’s appearance on last night’s Univision forum live from Miami. Digerati are confused about what he said AND how he looked.

POCHO’s Campaign Team 2012 was online all night handling their news sources to find the Pocho Ocho reasons the candidate looked so dark-skinned:

8. Was present at explosion at enchilada sauce factory

7. Stayed in a sauna too long with Speaker John Boehner

6. He is a huge Annoying Orange fan

Mas…Pocho Ocho reasons Romney appeared so ‘dark’ on Univision

The Mitt Romney is on Univisión’s hot seat drinking game

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GOP Presidential nominee Gov. Mitt Romney will be in the hot seat on Univisión at 7PM PDT tonight. Anchors Jorge Ramos and María Elena Salinas will ask him questions in Spanish, and Latino wannabe Romney will respond in English.

It’s an ideal time to bust out your Arpaio Viejo™ Tequila for a drinking game! Every time Mitt Romney does something from Column A, take a drink according to the rules in Column B:

Mas…The Mitt Romney is on Univisión’s hot seat drinking game

Clorox Latino’s abuela has a few words for you; also, don’t eat flies

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Are you familiar with Clorox Latino? Did you know Clorox Latino has an abuela?

It was our friends at LatinoRebels.com who first tipped us off to Clorox’s new Spanish-language Facebook page.

The page features a photo gallery of “grandma’s sayings (refranes de mi abuela)” to get you in the bleaching mood, like this mysterious saying about moscas — flies.

POCHO translated these timeless bits of wisdom into English for all of America, since it’s Hispanic Heritage Month 2012 and we want to share.

Mas…Clorox Latino’s abuela has a few words for you; also, don’t eat flies

Pocho Ocho best words the French gave to Spanglish

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The French have contributed a great deal to pocho culture, including some choice palabras. We got a few of them together for your review:

8. Mamón You might think it means “asshole,” but in French it sounds like “mother.” Don’t be a douche.

7. Chingadeaux It sounds fancy when you spell it in French, but in Spanish it’s an expletive.

6. Le Cuchí In French it means “smart woman.”

Mas…Pocho Ocho best words the French gave to Spanglish

Why do I discipline my daughter – and dance – in Español?

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As a small girl, I refused to speak Spanish with my mother.

She was born in Sonora, MX and grew up speaking nothing but Spanish so this must have frustrated her. Now, I think, wouldn’t it have been easier to just learn the language while I was small?

Thankfully, I finally realized the value of being bilingual in my teen years and made a commitment to become fluent in Spanish during high school.

I watched only Spanish TV and every summer my mom would drop me off in Hermosillo to be immersed in the culture and spend time with my cousins. It was a lot of fun, and it worked.

Now that I am a mom, I think I might have figured out why I refused my mother’s native language for so long. Just the other day, my daughter acted out in public over the absence of her sippy cup and the first words that came flowing out of my mouth were, “Mi hijita, no me grites. Espérate por favor.”

The situation caught my attention when everyone around us stopped what they were doing and looked at us, confused. That’s when I realized I raise my daughter in English but I discipline her in Spanish.

Mas…Why do I discipline my daughter – and dance – in Español?

Work in ‘The Office’? You need our Pocho Ocho Pro Tips for Latinos

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8. Don’t wear your sombrero to the office — unless it’s casual sombrero Friday.

7. If you are going to speak in Spanish at the office, talk shit about your non-Spanish speaking co-workers.

6. Respond with “Yes, I am an immigrant” when your co-workers ask you where you are from. You don’t want to be rude and tell them you were actually born in Chicago, now do you?

Mas…Work in ‘The Office’? You need our Pocho Ocho Pro Tips for Latinos

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