texas

Breaking: TX boy, 9, slays Mexican boogeyman El Cucuy, 521

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elcucuy(PNS reporting from SEGUIN, TX) A nine-year-old boy killed El Cucuy Tuesday night.

El Cucuy, AKA the Mexican Boogeyman, was pronounced dead at 10:30 PM at the Balli family residence here.  The legendary monster was said to be 521, with a birth date pegged in 1492.

It was a more or less typical evening for the Balli family, according to a Guadalupe County Sheriff’s detective familiar with the case. There was no hint of the trouble to come, he said, “when boy’s parents threatened the perpetrator with El Cucuy if he didn’t brush his teeth before he went to bed.”

The youth, who turned nine July 13, refused, the officer said, so his parents summoned El Cucuy to the modest ranch-style home.

El Cucuy (file photo, above) manifested in the kid’s room around 9:40 PM, according to the investigator, and was killed during a brief firefight by “some type of particle-beam weapon” created by the boy.

The room was “a mess with comic books and plasma everywhere,” he said, and El Cucuy’s remains “looked and smelled like burnt frijoles.”

Mas…Breaking: TX boy, 9, slays Mexican boogeyman El Cucuy, 521

Sheriff Joe taps George Zimmerman for school posse (photos)

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sheriffjoelong(PNS reporting from PHOENIX) Now we know why child killer George Zimmerman was speeding through Texas with a gun in his vehicle — he was on his way to a new gig in Maricopa County, AZ.

Sheriff Joe Arpaio broke the news in a Tweet late Wednesday night: The sheriff has a new school patrol posse, and it includes Zimmerman, a failed cop wannabe.

Here’s a better picture of this new “sworn officer” (click to enlarge):

Mas…Sheriff Joe taps George Zimmerman for school posse (photos)

Top Texas export, hateful white men, grows again this year

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speakenglish(PNS reporting from AUSTIN) The Lone Star State’s leading export — hateful white men — has reached new levels this year.

According to report released Friday by the Economic Institute of Texas, A Texas Export Snapshot, Texas consistently leads the nation in the export of hateful, misogynistic white men who also run state legislatures.

Texas exported 20% more TPCs (Texas Political Conservatives) in the first half of 2013 than than in the first two quarters of last year, with the trend continuing to accelerate. Over 11,000 TPCs have left Texas since January, they say.

Mas…Top Texas export, hateful white men, grows again this year

Mexican paleontologists unearth 15-foot-long dinosaur tail (video)

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It’s 72 million years old and really impressive, dug into the desert just across el otro lado from Texas. From the AP:

Mexican paleontologists say they have uncovered 50 vertebrae believed to be a full dinosaur tail in the northern desert of Coahuila state. The National Institute of Anthropology and History [INAH] says the tail is about 15 feet (5 meters) long and resembles that of a hadrosaur or crested duckbill dinosaur…. Paleontologist Felisa Aguilar says they uncovered roughly half of the dinosaur, which was 36 feet (12 meters) long and lived about 72 million years ago.

Mas…Mexican paleontologists unearth 15-foot-long dinosaur tail (video)

The map is not the territory — or is it? (toons)

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mainlandusamapbigWe’ve already run maps seeking to explain such mysteries as Texas and Florida. But now for something completely different via our friends at Wired.com. Well semi-different. Actually not that different from the Texas map but instructive, nevertheless. It’s a map [click to enlarge] of Los United Estates, from Yanko Tsvetkov’s Atlas of Prejudice. Look right to you?

And here’s Tsetkov’s map of the world according to Americans [click to enlarge]:

Mas…The map is not the territory — or is it? (toons)

Texas lawmakers focus on Latinos with poll tax, redistricting

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texaslegislature640(PNS reporting from AUSTIN) The Republican-controlled Texas legislature (photo) has wasted no time in exploiting last month’s Supreme Court ruling that gutted the Voting Rights Act:

The lawmakers have passed a draconian redistricting scheme and enacted new voter registration requirements that many liken to a poll tax.

SB17, nicknamed “The Liberty Forever Bill,” mandates a laundry list of voter registration requirements “to ensure that only Texans are allowed to vote.” It passed Saturday and awaits GOP Gov. Rick Perry’s signature.

Among the measure’s exacting requirements:

Mas…Texas lawmakers focus on Latinos with poll tax, redistricting

Breaking: Rick Perry moving West: ‘Let’s turn Cali red!’

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rickperryreelection(PNS reporting from AUSTIN) Rick Perry told a crowd of press and supporters here Monday that he will not seek another term as Texas governor when his term expires in 18 months.

Instead, the longest-serving governor in Texas’ history said he was going to do the unthinkable: move to California to turn the state back into a Republican stronghold.

“Now that Democrats have set their sights on Texas, I want to return the favor and head to the Golden State and bring a brand of compassionate conservatism that ruled the state in the good ol’ days,” the  former GOP presidential nominee wannabe said.

Mas…Breaking: Rick Perry moving West: ‘Let’s turn Cali red!’

Texas Senate to ban ‘non-traditional’ colored sneakers on floor

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wendysneakersbig(PNS reporting from AUSTIN) The Texas Senate is set to pass legislation to ban “non-traditional” colored sneakers on the chamber floor.

Sen. Dan Ireland (R-Dallas) introduced Senate Bill 5 to “raise sartorialism of the chamber by mandating the use of traditional colors of sneakers.”

The Texas legislature has begun its second special session to push through legislation that sent thousands of Texans to the Capitol to protest last week.  Ireland called these Texans the “unruly mob, whose decorum and multi-colored footwear, left much to be desired.”

SB5 “mandates that all sneakers worn shall be plain white.”

Mas…Texas Senate to ban ‘non-traditional’ colored sneakers on floor

Pocho Ocho new ignorant GOP proposals for Texas (photos, video)

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texasmapThe anti-abortion SB5 bill was delayed but not defeated after Sen. Wendy Davis’s spectacular filibuster with pink sneakers, but the battle for common sense in Texas (photo, above) continues.

We already told you about the attempt to outlaw “looking too Mexican,” but that’s not the only trick the Republicans have up their (cotton-poly-blend) sleeves.

From our Ostin Especial Correspondents — this just in — here are the GOP’s Pocho Ocho new proposals for Texas:

8. Henceforth, the value for Pi π shall, for efficiency purposes, be rounded down to 3.00; additionally only apple pi is permitted

7. SB666, dubbed the “God Is My Co-Pilot Bill,” requires a Gideon Bible in every glove compartment

6. Hug a tree, go to jail

Mas…Pocho Ocho new ignorant GOP proposals for Texas (photos, video)

Elise Roedenbeck Filibusters: ‘How To Do the Wendy’ (video)

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It’s not easy standing up for women’s rights in Texas, but the heroic filibuster by State Sen. Wendy Davis kept the GOP’s anti-abortion SB5 from passing Tuesday night. Our MiJA, Elise Roedenbeck, learned how to Do the Wendy for the camera. [Disclosure: The settlement agreement approved by the judge means we must stay at least 100 yards away from Ms. Roedenbeck, but we can still remind people that she is POCHO’s New Jack City Burro Jefe, Emeritus.]

Texas legislators want to outlaw ‘looking too Mexican in public’

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(PNS reporting from AUSTIN) The Texas Senate is currently considering a bill that would outlaw “looking too Mexican in public.”

Senate Bill 32 was introduced by senators from East and North Texas who say the law will celebrate American and Texas culture.

“Texas has a proud and long history of being American, or Texan, and that should be celebrated,” said Fort Worth area Republican Sen. Alice Boswell.

“It’s not like Texas was never Mexico, so why should Mexicans here be allowed to celebrate that culture?”

Mas…Texas legislators want to outlaw ‘looking too Mexican in public’

Flash: English-Only Whole Foods now known as AssWhole Foods

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(PNS reporting from TEXAS) After suspending two Latino employees in an Albuquerque, NM store for daring to speak Spanish, specialty grocer Whole Foods has announced that it will be changing its name to “AssWhole Foods.”

Whole Foods PR executive Kaley Quinoa, at the company’s corporate offices in Austin, released this statement:

We feel we need to reflect the public’s view of our changing brand, and nothing would represent this view better than changing our name to AssWhole Foods.

Quinoa explained her company’s “English Only” policies this way

Mas…Flash: English-Only Whole Foods now known as AssWhole Foods

Stoner Latino student calls woman’s mom a ‘wetback’ on Facebook

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(PNS reporting from  SAN MARCOS, TX) Seventeen-year-old San Marcos High School senior Byron Chavez called someone’s mother a “wetback” in a comment on a Facebook photo yesterday — Mothers Day.

Chavez, the grandson of Mexican immigrants, used the W-word in response to a widely-circulated picture of a young woman at an immigration reform rally holding a sign reading “Fuck Weed. Legalize My Mom.”

Chavez posted “Fuck your wetback mom! Legalize Weed!” 30 minutes after his cousin Lauren Saucedo posted the image on her timeline .

“I was taken aback by his comment,”  Saucedo emailed PNS. “Our grandparents were immigrants who came from Mexico looking for a better future.”

Mas…Stoner Latino student calls woman’s mom a ‘wetback’ on Facebook

How many generations until Latinos become ‘Americans’?

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I consider myself Latina, close to my family’s Mexican culture; I’m bilingual and I’m happy with that identity. But, more often than not, it seems like everyone else is trying to corral me into some other identity, telling me that mine is not sufficient.

The neighborhood where I live (photos, above) is a perfect example.

It’s split in two: one part of it is gentrifying rapidly, and the other is filled with Mexican and many immigrant families. I where it’s more Mexican, which makes me — in all my professional hipster-ness — stand out sometimes, but people still speak to me in Spanish and often I just become part of the scenery. But then there are other times.

Mas…How many generations until Latinos become ‘Americans’?

Corn tortilla achieves enlightenment on unattended Texas comal

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tortillas on a comal(PNS reporting from Edinburg, TX) A corn tortilla was released from its physical shell and achieved enlightenment last night when it was inadvertently consumed by fire during Gil Trejo’s dinner preparations.

The University of South Texas assistant professor of Latin American literature was heating the traditional Mexican flat bread to accompany leftover frijoles con queso when he became distracted by an intense scene in the sitcom How I Met Your Mother. He sat down in his living room, thoughtlessly leaving the comal unattended.

Alone, on the flat metal griddle, the tortilla de maiz burst into flames, releasing its essence from saṃsāra and leaving behind naught but the charred husk of its temporary shell.

Mas…Corn tortilla achieves enlightenment on unattended Texas comal

Don’t mess w/ Texas! ‘ThumbSnatchers from the Moon Cocoon’ (video)

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Guns don’t kill people, opposable thumbs that pull triggers on guns kill people. And that’s why our Alien Overlords have returned to end our evil ways — by ending our evil thumbs. But the invading Thumb Snatchers from the Moon Cocoon (stupid lunar Daleks with green blood) didn’t reckon on Texas Sheriff Huckiss. The law in Texas doesn’t give much slack to illegal aliens.

Sandra Ramos O’Briant – ‘Chile Tales: The Green Addiction’

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Philosophers have often looked for the defining feature of humans — language, rationality, culture and so on. I’d stick with this: Man is the only animal that likes Tabasco sauce.

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In Texas, when my parents were still married, we ate fried chicken, mashed potatoes laden with cream gravy, green beans flavored with bits of bacon and buttery light biscuits. Every item on the menu had its own serving dish, and cloth napkins were always used.

“May I have another biscuit, ma’am?” I would say.

“You surely may, Sandra Mae,” my daddy’s mama would reply and everyone would smile. Or we’d have fried pork chops and suck on the salty bones, but only when it was just my mama and me at the dinner table.

In Texas, there were black-eyed peas and ham and all manner of greens and put-up preserves. There was watermelon and homemade ice cream from the hand-crank ice-cream maker. Daddy held a bourbon and water in one hand, and turned the handle with the other, while Mama and my daddy’s mama drank iced tea on the back porch and exchanged polite insults. My grandma didn’t like it that Daddy had married a Mexican.

Mas…Sandra Ramos O’Briant – ‘Chile Tales: The Green Addiction’

Year in Review: The lonely, fading star of Texas Gov. Rick Perry

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The stars at night are big and bright, deep in the heart of Texas. Except, of course, when Gov. Rick Perry (photo, right) is involved.

The one-time GOP nominee wannabe Perry is so underwhelming that when he walks into a room, it seems as if someone just left.

Rick Perry is so stupid he peels M&M’s to make chocolate chip cookies. Rick Perry is so stupid he went to the dentist for Bluetooth. Rick Perry is so stupid he forgot his own talking points in a Republican presidential debate.

Think about it: Republican voters in the primaries liked Rick Perry even LESS than Mitt Romney.

But enough about Rick Perry. What about MY needs?

Mas…Year in Review: The lonely, fading star of Texas Gov. Rick Perry

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